Blog entry for:

about the truth nearly killed me. the truth today? well as much as i would want to worship at the foot of some absolute and immutable TRUTH, the truth is, that i am an addict and all that i see is colored through that filter. i am self-centered, self-obsessed and self-entitled. i afraid to show who i really am, and live behind a wall of smoke and mirrors, keeping everyone and everything at arm's length, lest they see who i really am, and destroy my oh so fragile self. and when the going gets tough, i get high, it really is that simple. or at least that is who i was when i walked into the rooms, and who i could once again become. in a macro sense, i have yet to discover the “TRUTH” no matter how i seek it, so i have ceased seeking it, and am allowing it to be revealed to me. which reminds me of a story.
once upon a time, when i was much younger in recovery and our local fellowship was just starting to become a force, there was a crusty old member of another fellowship, who would pop-in from time to time, to “help us out.” most of the time, they would sit quietly in the meeting and talk to a member or two afterwards. this was the reading one night, when they happened to be in attendance, and after a few of us, myself included., had shared about the shifting nature of the “TRUTH,” they quite adamantly shared about the “TRUTH” being immutable. in fact, the continued, there is not some alien being inside that they could blame for what they did, they were, simply put addiction and addiction was them. the truth therefore was that they were an addict, would always be an addict, and if they wanted a better life, they needed to stop speaking about addiction as some outside force and embrace it as part of them.
as upsetting as it was to hear that notion, perhaps for the first time, it has become quite a comfort for me. i know that i am more than the sum of my parts, and one of those parts is addiction. i can shuffle around that fact with one semantic trick or another, but for me, when i finally accepted that as part of the “TRUTH,” recovery and living just for today, became a whole lot easier, because i KNOW that if i want to be more than an addict, than i need to do more than just live, i NEED to live the program of recovery that was freely given to me and accept that sometimes a glimmer of truth comes from an outside party.
the truth today? well the truth is today i need to hope in the shower, head on over to Boulder, give my current employer my best and be a part of life instead of apart from the ebb and flow of living in the real world. oh yeah and remember that there just may be a monolithic and immutable TRUTH, but i am not privy to see it all, in all its very facets and implications, all i get is a glimpse of it, and today that is more than enough.

∞ DT ∞