Blog entry for:

the truth becomes purer and simpler each time i encounter it, my understanding of the truth may change each day as i grow. writing about what i think the truth is is a tricky proposition, to say the least. i recently was in a conversation with another party, who was certain that they has first hand knowledge of precisely what GOD’s will was , and there fore they could not be bothered to listen to anything else. after all, being so dialed in, means that they could not be wrong, and damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead. i, too, can catch myself falling into this paradigm, and rightly or wrongly, i act the same way. i am so ‘full’ of the TRUTH, i am incapable of hearing what anyone else is saying. in fact part of my ninth step work dealt with actions while i was suffering under the delusion that i knew best. and that is something that is easy for me to get, especially this morning. this poignant reminder, that no one especially me has a corner on the TRUTH market, at any time, is quite freeing. for if i am certain that i ‘DO NOT’ know, then i am seeking knowledge by being present to what is going on in my life. what others are trying to tell me, and how i am feeling when i am doing my thing or interacting with others. in fact, that is the only way i can insure that i am remaining teachable. it is my hope that i can remain in this state, teachable throughout my recovery, regardless of how i long i manage to have the grace to stay clean.
the nice thing about this reading, is that it makes me look to myself, and also others. addicts with more clean time than me, so i can evaluate which of them i choose to use as my model of continuing clean time. after this past little growth spurt, part of the TRUTH for me, is that what i think i know about the TRUTH, and what the TRUTH actually is, are two entirely different things. i went into my list with the intention of restoring a friendship and i walked out with a quick and easy exit from one of the most damaging relationships i have ever formed in recovery. the irony of this is, that it was not anyone else’s fault, i was given exactly what i asked for, and given it in abundance. the TRUTH was, that for whatever reason, i wanted to cling to something that could never be what i needed, and i am confused most of the time about the difference about wants and needs. i have finally been given what i needed and that was a release from the servitude to an unhealthy relationship.
so the TRUTH for me today, is now that i see what i have done, and now that i have been given the boot, and now that i am starting to forgive myself for being what i was, i will need to reconcile my feelings and move forward. there is no way i will ever go back to any of the previous models of that relationship, and as much as i hate the work it takes, i am the one that will have to find a new relationship model to start building, based on the TRUTH about me, as i know it today. but anyhow, enough about the TRUTH and me, it is time to get out and work out. life is after all, far tpoo short, to live in a world of regret.

∞ DT ∞