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this topic always make me think like a politician, as i cruise through recovery what i understand about truth and my history changes, so it feels that i am revising the TRUTH to suit my current circumstances. you know spinning a revisionist view of my history to fit my current outlook.
i know that when i was using the truth as i interpreted was a convenient vehicle to rationalize my behaviors and attitudes. i also know that part of that behavior was selective editing of the truth to fit whatever circumstances i needed it to fit.
today however, i think of the truth (or TRUTH) as something beyond my current comprehension. as i progress through recovery what i get is a new and deeper understanding of the TRUTH as it applies to my life, but it really is no different than it was when i got clean. the only thing that has changed is what i use to filter it, so that i can get a grasp on what the truth really is.
my filter when i was using, was how can i use the truth to further my selfish motives and needs. when my ego needed a jolt i used the truth to build myself up at the expense of those surrounding me. when i needed companionship and camaraderie, i used the truth to make those around me accept and like me. and when i needed to get high i used the truth to justify whatever behaviors i was about to initiate to find the ways and means to use.
today, my filter is the spiritual principles that have been given to me from those who have gone before me. as a result, i look at my life in two separate sections with the line of demarcation being the day i became fifty-one percent willing to do something different. the events of my life take on a new meaning when i sit here a few days down the road from that line but the facts of those events have not changed. i lied, stole, manipulated, hurt and debased myself to get what i needed when i was using.
today i try and see what is happening in my life and inside myself using the mirror of my life on the other side. and you know what, i like what i see! have i become some kind of saintly super being, incapable of acting out of self-interest? not hardly, what i have become is something better than i was and i can become something more than i am today, if i continue the journey i started. i have a few clues about the truth and am not quite so worried about figuring it all out today. i can be happy with what i find today -- specifically i am clean and doing my best to live each day as a recovering person. i also have peers, friends and a sponsor to point out when i am twisting the truth as i understand it to fit the selfish needs of the part of my i call my disease. and right now i am grateful for the chance to see my life for what it is!
∞ DT ∞