Blog entry for:

thing that is certain and unchanging in my life: the TRUTH that i am an addict. the fact that i denied that truth for so many years while in active addiction and after coming to the rooms, does not alter that TRUE FACT, at all. living as i do, in a world where **fake news** is sold as the **TRUTH** and actual factual reporting is called **FAKE,** and alternative **FACTS** are cited, means that i have to own my truth. i do not have a cadre of sycophants doing their best to spin my lies as reality and protect me from the harsh realities of living life on its own terms. although once upon a time, i did those tasks pretty well, all by myself. today i accept the fundamental truth of who i am and how that colors my world and can move on.
when i walked into the rooms, i was not done using and i had lied to the powers that be about my true nature. i purposefully downplayed my use of alcohol, because in my mind and theirs, alcohol was not a drug and i was unwilling to give up everything. playing the hyphenation game to fit in between two worlds, removed that little crutch from my world and left me to count days between the first of next month and my fourth “compelled production” of bodily fluids in the current month. that worked for several months and then i got cocky and careless. self-will sentenced me to the rooms of recovery, although i once used to call that chain of events, GOD's will. that too, was part of the lies ii told myself to avoid facing the TRUTH. the moire i could tap-dance around that truth and deflect my true nature, the less pressure i felt to do anything but look like i was “all in.” that worked as well for a bit of time and for whatever reason, when the truth of who i was, was finally revealed to me, in a room far from home and my support network, i was stunned.
that too, is a story that has been oft-told. today i am grateful for all the self-will that landed me where i was, and my ability to finally wake up and smell the coffee. i am more than certain that going down the path i was going down, had i not finally seen the truth and become willing to do something about it, i would be sleeping outside, gathering my next meal from a dumpster, keeping an eye out for law enforcement and looking for my next fix. that could be my fate, if i somehow convince myself that clean time cures addiction. a rather inconvenient truth based on my experience is that it does not, i am an addict, regardless of how many days clean i have piled up. today i also accept that at the core of my being and honestly, it really is not all that bad. sure i cannot blame Ambien™ for saying things i would have rather kept on the down-low and the character i play in real life need not die of an opioid overdose. today i own the truth that i am a self-centered, often self-righteous, self-absorbed, over-entitled person, that is working to be less of all of those wonderful traits. i am grateful to be clean today and own one piece of the TRUTH: i am an addict.

∞ DT ∞