Blog entry for:

of the **TRUTH,** whether or not it almost killed me, certainly needed a major reconstruction, as revision is not a strong enough term. a year ago, i was certainly off the rails, railing against those who i believed were dangers to myself, the newcomer and the local fellowship. the clear and present danger that those groups present is still an appropriate topic for this exercise, but truthfully my focus has shifted back on to myself, rather than that particularly Ᾰlow hanging fruit.” no, it is me, myself and i, that presents a clear and present danger to myself and others, when i allow my version of the “TRUTH,” to rule all that i do.
what exactly is the difference, at least in my head,. about the TRUTH and truth? for one thing part of the TRUTH, is that i am an addict and that is an unchanging fact of life. that leads into a second piece, that if i am an addict, than i GET to choose whether or not i want to do something about ameliorating that fact. when i accept that part of the TRUTH is do understand is those two disturbing realizations,. then i can allow myself to let go of the rest of what i think i know. the fact that many of my peers, accept the first former and not the latter saddens me, but then i remember that for the longest time, i chose not to participate in my recovery. i allowed the tides of life to sweep me where they would and became resentful and angry when the sent me to places i did not want to go, such as that basement apartment in Little Ferry, New Jersey. if i was a believer in FATE and GRAND DIVINE plans, i would say ending up there was what i was fated to do. these days i see the journey to that event as a manifestation of my self-will run riot and when given the opportunity to step out from under the umbrella of recovery, i relied on that same self-will to stay clean that night, or very early morning as the case may be.
the sad and immutable TRUTH is that self-will, will kill me and barring that will certainly take me out to the using life again. yes it it not “my addict,” nor the disease of addiction acting as some sort of alien third party within me, that i need to be wary of, as i see those as artificial constructs to deflect responsibility from me, myself and i. oops before i get hammered about something, i do see that addiction is a disease and that i am an addict, what i do not see, and i want to be very clear about this, is that addiction no longer MAKES me do anything. i am the addict, so it is me who decides that hanging out in a crack house, may be a great idea. accepting that as part of the TRUTH was a hard-won victory and without a doubt, a realization that changed everything else about what i “know” about the TRUTH.
today i am comfortable knowing that tasty tidbit and not knowing much of anything else about the TRUTH. i do know, that when i choose to walk a path of active recovery, i am less likely to be a clear and present danger to myself and those around me. it is not that recovery has made me stupid, in fact it has made me a whole lot smarter, as i am no longer a slave to my flawed belief system and have the FREEDOM to alter it, as i begin to understand a bit more, just for today.

∞ DT ∞