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but of course i would deny that so of course i would once again be able to be oblivious to the truth. although i did not start with this line, what really jumped out and grabbed me by the balls this morning was the line " ...everyting we know is subject to revision..."
that is a statement, that even today seems to chap my hide. when i was using i dealt in an absolutely binary world -- everything was either black or white -- not a single shade of grey. so the truth was also absolute, and inviolable. to come to recovery and learn that what i think, what i believe, and most of all what i thought i knew could be and probably is wrong, still to this day is difficult for me to swallow. with that caveat, i can safely say that my experience has been that is actually the truth. ironic is it not? the real truth is that, i do not have a clue what the truth is, and as i gather more information about myself and the world around me, black and white begin to merge, and just about everything i perceive is some sort of shade of grey. and the only absolute i am left with is that, i am an addict, i will always be an addict. that statement sets up the last remaining binary condition in my life, namely i can choose to recover, or i can choose to use. there is no middle ground or shade of grey for me. that being said, i guess i need to bring a bit of sunshine into this dark entry. that single fact is not the end of the world for me. i happen to like what recovery has done for me, and as i look back fondly on those twenty-five or so years that i used, there is not anything that i desire from those times. i am happy, sad, calm, agitated, angry, joyous, depressed, and satisfied in the course of my day and none of those feelings, nor any feelings i did not or cannot name is worth trading away to the spirit numbing affects of using, at least today. so i am grateful to be recovering and will accept whatever new facts i perceive to once again alter my perception of the TRUTH. it is after all just another day CLEAN!

∞ DT ∞