Blog entry for:

to our common welfare is steadfast and unwavering these days, depending on what commitment and who*s welfare one is asking about. of all the commitments i could write about, unfortunately the two that i am the least diligent about is my commitment to myself and the commitment i have built with my spouse. the source material was speaking to my commitment to the fellowship, and ironically enough, that is the one area in which i am the most adamant about maintaining. what that commitment has looked like and how it has changed over the course of my recovery, is certainly a study in contrasts, but not one i choose to delve into this morning. a quick summary would be: hanging out ↝ defender of the faith and service junkie ↝ bleeding deacon ↝ just another member carrying a message of recovery. all of those various phases were necessary for me to arrive where i am and i am grateful the local fellowship as well as my recovery survived those moments of zealotry that marked those the greater part of my early recovery.
looking at my commitment to my spouse, i see more often than not, i take her for granted, until she says something or nothing at all. i miss most of the clues that i may be slipping into that state and when i get called on it, i have the desire to rationalize and justify my way into gaslighting her. it is not that i am wavering in my commitment to her, it is just that bi get lazy and stop trying, after all, everything is good just the way it is. 🤔 when i realize how fragile things really are in this relationship, i become diligent, until the next time. if i truly want to remain in an equal relationship with someone i love and respect, i get the feeling that i will need to take a peek at my actions or lack thereof, each and every day.
ahhhhhh, that only leaves my commitment to myself. this one is ironically, the one i look at most intensely and the one in which i cause the greatest harm, as i have lacked boundaries about what my physical limits just may be and how i may be tromping on my desire to see Africa from its highest point. i can say that for me, being on injured reserve sucks BIG TIME! i also know that i am far from healed as my disturbed sleep last night is more than enough evidence that i still have a very long way to go and that i certainly need to keep my Dr appointment of Thursday, even if things are feeling better. i made 11K steps yesterday and that may have been a bit overdone. this morning i am going to get out after posting this for 1.5K steps and see if i can ease my way into just barely 10K and no heavy lifting t=in the form of running, or speed-walking. i am also going to attempt to limit the amount of NSAIDs i take today, as that feels like the next correct thing to do. in reality, my commitment to myself and my physical fitness right here and right now, is to take it easy and allow my body to heal the damage that i have compounded over the past few months. it is a good day to be a semi-lazy slob and get another day clean, dedicating myself to the proposition of being okay, just for today.

∞ DT ∞