Blog entry for:

everything in my life, even with a minute clean and some step work under my belt. that for me is the TRUTH, i heard this morning as i sat. i may not be out running and gunning and constantly seeking that next twenty minute vacation from reality, but i am still and addict and i certainly am still quite capable of dropping back into the familiar patterns and behaviors that i brought with me to recovery.
yesterday, i realized at the saddle of the fourth fourteen thousand foot peak we were about to summit, that my legs were getting tired and i was stumbling through the snowdrifts, rather than hiking with confidence. in that moment, i flashed back to my “Bierstadt Baby” day, when i could not summit that “easy” peak. i wanted to impress my hiking partner with my new found stamina and beat myself up for the twenty minutes it took me to grasp the truth of my physical condition in that slice of time. i saw myself as a failure once again and was going to push through no matter what. when i let go of my opinions of what others would think and allowed myself the freedom to admit that i was exhausted from trudging through the snow for the past five hours and summiting three other peaks, i knew the answer was to go down and not risk my life and limb to appease the judge, jury and executioner that scream out their sentences about who i am, in all my awaking hours. i made a choice and today, i am grateful that i made that choice, as it allowed me to be okay admitting that i am, after all, not quite a mean, lean, hiking machine, YET!
right here and right now as i get the last load of laundry pushed through and after running some miles, i know that the worst part of what happened u=-yesterday was going down into the pit of self-loathing and disrespect i have carried with me since i was a young lad. that is what wants to fill my empty bucket of shame today and that is certainly a place i could dwell and revel in the well-deserved pain of i SHOULD be better than that by now! as a matter of fact, the years of living one way and believing i was living in the “TRUTH” do vanish into the ether overnight or even after ten or so months of readjusting to my new reality. it means i NEED to forgive myself for doubting that possibly i do know my limits better that i choose top admit and that when i approach them, the only person i could possibly injure is myself. today i am all about not hurting myself and allowing the truth to seep in from wherever it may come. so it is off to complete my Sunday chores and get some football under my belt.

∞ DT ∞