Blog entry for:

from my addiction to a Higher Power, the source of all that is good and true.
okay, i am stuck in a rut. once again i am focused on the whole HIGHER POWER slice of this reading and not on what the truth is and how i look at it today. perhaps that is a function of where i am going, or perhaps it is a function of where i have been. i do not know, and these days, i do not even want to attempt to decide what is and what is not the truth or perhaps eve the TRUTH. i will say that i do recognize where the truth comes from, and it is not from inside of me. i have written before about the journey of arriving at this point in my recovery, and how my notions of the TRUTH have changed since leaving the life of active addiction, so i will not belabor that point.
since i am so focused on the source this morning, i will go down that path...
... it is true that for the longest time, probably since i was twelve or so, i KNEW what the TRUTH was and the source of that TRUTH was my intellectual analysis of the world as i saw it. there could of course be no room for superstition or FAITH in that world view, after all, everything was explainable, the concepts need to explain everything were just waiting to be discovered. that world view was quite comforting as i moved into active addiction, after all, if there was nothing that could not be explained by science etc, than there wasso no worry about possible consequences in a nonexistent after-life. all i had to do was defray the immediate consequences of my behaviors, do my best not to get caught and i could go on my merry little way. and i did, after a fashion.
once i accepted the TRUTH about myself, that i was an addict, and that i was incapable of getting high just once, the world turned upside down on me. now all my justifications and rationalizations were gone. not that i have become a believer in eternal reward and punishment, but i have become a believer in doing the best i can do today to live my life in a spiritual manner. i do not try and do the next right thing for a reward, nor do i avoid doing the next right thing out of a fear of punishment. i try and do the next right thing, just because it is a conscious choice i CAN make today. the TRUTH is that i have been put on a path, a path i choose to stay on, and i accept that if i want to continue on this path i need to follow the principles of living that have been given to me form those who have gone before me. staying clean is reward enough for me today. now do not get me wrong, i am far from capable of doing the next right thing even sixty percent of the time, and i am far from being any sort of saint or spiritual guru, nor do i believe those titles will ever apply to me. i am just another addict in recovery, looking to get a little better day by day. the truth or TRUTH as i know it is very fluid these days, but i just accept for what it is today, the truth.
anyhow enough of philosophy and theosophy and on to the mundane tasks of making a living. life does not wait for me anymore, i need to be an active participant in life itself.
TTFN ;)

∞ DT ∞