🔬 discovering who 🔭
Posted: Sun, Mar 15, 2026 09:03:37 AM
i am meant to be through being of service to my fellowship and practicing goodwill. it is more than ironic that after nearly sixty-nine trips around the sun, i am only now beginning to understand the person i am and what my purpose in life may be. i know that many others, make that journey much earlier in their lives and by the time the reach the end of their seventh decade, are already looking to shut down and gracefully exit, as they have already left their mark on the world. as stunted as i may be, it is only because i got clean and learned to live a program of recovery that i have this chance today. it may be too late to leave any sort of legacy or mark on the world, but i can learn to be who i am and revel in the knowledge that i finally uncovered from the pile of shit i buried it under.
this morning as i sat and listened to the void, what i felt was a sense of calm and more than a little bit of patience that i still have the opportunity to become my “whole” self after decades of hiding that self from the world around me. my life these days, as a retired guy, is challenging in the fact that it lacks most of the structure i once had and did not realize how much i counted on forty hours a week of pounding out the hits. looking ahead at this week, i am not going to be sitting around with a cigar in my mouth, playing on my computer, but a single day this week. i can feel a shift in where i want to be and what i want to do with my mornings. this may just be a temporary aberration based on my work schedule or it may be the start of a permanent shift towards applying myself to other activities during the week. that vision of my future has yet to be revealed to me and i am more than willing to let go of having to “know” what that may be.
right here and right now, it is time to get the dawg out for her walk and for me to get ready to take care of my physical fitness. i have no plans for the rest of the day, except to read my book and enjoy some time in a smoke-filled room, being a customer of my workplace, rather than a worker bee. what i do know, walking out into this day, is that whatever i am becoming, was what i was certainly meant to be, before i told myself i was not worthy of being seen in public and bolstered that lie, every waking moment until it became my “truth.” just for today, i will be who i feel like being and allow myself the freedom to show that person to the world around me.
this morning as i sat and listened to the void, what i felt was a sense of calm and more than a little bit of patience that i still have the opportunity to become my “whole” self after decades of hiding that self from the world around me. my life these days, as a retired guy, is challenging in the fact that it lacks most of the structure i once had and did not realize how much i counted on forty hours a week of pounding out the hits. looking ahead at this week, i am not going to be sitting around with a cigar in my mouth, playing on my computer, but a single day this week. i can feel a shift in where i want to be and what i want to do with my mornings. this may just be a temporary aberration based on my work schedule or it may be the start of a permanent shift towards applying myself to other activities during the week. that vision of my future has yet to be revealed to me and i am more than willing to let go of having to “know” what that may be.
right here and right now, it is time to get the dawg out for her walk and for me to get ready to take care of my physical fitness. i have no plans for the rest of the day, except to read my book and enjoy some time in a smoke-filled room, being a customer of my workplace, rather than a worker bee. what i do know, walking out into this day, is that whatever i am becoming, was what i was certainly meant to be, before i told myself i was not worthy of being seen in public and bolstered that lie, every waking moment until it became my “truth.” just for today, i will be who i feel like being and allow myself the freedom to show that person to the world around me.
∞ DT ∞