Blog entry for:

literally, i am at loss for words here. yeah the group in all its glory and hateful flaws is what has allowed me to stay clean and find this new way of living, acceptable. it where i found my sponsor. it is where i first dove into the literature that comprises the written collective wisdom of the fellowship that i choose to recover within. it is the foundation of my social network within my community, and perhaps, for me anyhow, that is the most important thing the group provides me, hence that becomes one of the aspects i feel i need to pass along. so i guess once i started going, i could find a topic after all.
i was not socially adept growing up, and using did not all of a sudden make me likable and part of the crowd. it did allow me to feel a commonality with others, who like me, seemed to think that getting high was the thing to do. as i grew up, getting high became the substitute for learning social skills, because i could always cover my missteps with the catch all: “i dunno, i was really high at the time!” whether or not that excuse flew or even made sense, really did not matter, what mattered was that i was high and i could be forgiven for being such a social retard, with just a wave of the magic substance wand.
when i came to recovery, and noodled around the edges of a few fellowships, i saw that there were a few like me, but most of the people attending seemed to have the social graces i lacked. now i was truly stuck, no “get out of this awkward situation free card,” and no social graces as part of my make-up. i was FVCKED, and i knew it. something had to change or i would never complete that heinous sentence imposed upon me by the justice system. after the six months on this and that and the next eighteen months of shallow diving, i did acquire a few social graces, and i discovered that many in the rooms, were very similar to me, in regards to their lack of social graces. and yet, as they moved through life, it did not seem to matter, because now, they could move effortlessly through most social situations.
fast forward to today. i know of more than one addict who feels left out of the general hub-bub of the recovery social calendar. i empathize with them, having been there myself. i know for me, i only started being included when i allowed others to see me for who i am. i only started being part of the “in” crowd, when it did not matter how much i was included. when i became confident in who i was as a person, all of a sudden i became likable and OH MY GAWD, socially acceptable, at least int he rooms of the fellowship. when i stopped pretending i was some sort of spiritual guru or saint and allowed my flaws to be show through the terminally hip and fatally cool shell i has so carefully constructed, people, those in the groups especially, started including me in their activities.
what i am saying, after all that rambling, it was the group that taught me the social skills i have today, as well as how to walk this journey towards becoming a man i have always wanted to be. therefore it is my task, to return that experience, strength and hope, to the group for the next guy. it is a good day to be clean and a part of the world around me, even if my social horizons are still a bit narrow, today i can and will do what i can to be a part of and give back, that which was freely given to me.

∞ DT ∞