Blog entry for:

so i know the reading was all about the group carrying the message, in fact i used that as my seed. this morning i want to go in a slightly different direction, so i think i will.
this past week has been a dark time for me, and as the light starts to return to my heart and soul, i feel a sense of gratitude to the group. it was those members, who individually comprise the collective of the group, who have made my pain bearable, and given me the strength to go on, even when i felt hopeless. i am not given to being depressed, nor am i generally a “gloomy gus” sort, however a major decision that led to the loss of my furry companion, plastered on top of how the length of daylight affects me emotionally has made this past week, one that i could have lived without. in fact, if i had my way, i would have certainly medicated this past week away with copious amounts of chemical holiday cheer. since i am being honest here, i must say that thought has crossed my mind more than once. each time, that notion has come, i used what i have been taught to find the strength to do something else. you know the drill, call another addict in recovery, get my ass to the next meeting and pray that the desire be removed. guess what? i am still clean today, and quite truthfully i had to do all of the above and a little bit more. for some reason, the group has given me the desire NOT TO USE, NO MATTER WHAT, at least for today.
this is not how things were back in the day. this is not how things were for those months in the twilight world between active addiction and enforced abstinence. and this is not how things were, back in my early days of recovery. the only constant through all of that and today, is my physical presence. i am still physically hardwired as an addict, even though it has been lots of days in a row since the last time i used. in fact i am approaching one of those numbers that looked so impossible form the vantage point of that late December when the justice system was about to turn my life upside-down. as angry as i was about that entire chain of events, it is because of that, i GET to be here today, as this is not a path i would have ever chosen for myself.
despite the fact that i am an addict, i am not that person anymore. physically, spiritually and especially emotionally that man is gone from the world. the catch is, he could quite easily return. the group has told me that from the beginning, that all that i have been given, can be surrendered, if i choose to stop listening to what they are saying. you know i never was good at listening to the wisdom of those who knew better than i did, much less taking that wisdom and applying it in my daily living. nor was i ever willing to allow myself to dream about being anything more than a addict in active addiction. all of that felt way to painful back in the day. that man was correct, the pain and effort of becoming who i am today has been great and the cost tremendous. BUT i never had to face any of that alone. the group help be to bear that pain, pay those costs and supported me through the process of change with their bromides, their love and their experience, strength and hope.
what was the message i heard? that i never had to be alone again and THAT I NEVER HAD TO USE AGAIN, ONE DAY AT A TIME. yes those days have added up. and yes, there are time when a little nip of something to take the edge off, sounds like a good idea. to not say that is more than a bit disingenuous. in the long run, however, i have all i need today to face the world and for once i can walk in FAITH that if i do what has been and continues to be suggested to me, by the group and those who comprise it, i WILL BE ABLE to make the informed decision tomorrow, whether or not i wish to remain in active recovery. what about today? i have already made that decision. and it is yes, just for today i will not use, no matter what.
time to get cracking on what i need to get done today, one of the gifts of my life in active recovery is a plateful of stuff to get done, and i am moving into that gratefully for right now. it is as my friend Joe likes to say, a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞