Blog entry for:

because they talked about the same experiences and feelings i had experienced. i knew they were recovering because they had gotten something i wanted.
the reading, this morning, spoke to me of a time long ago, and what feels far away -- my very first meeting. in the real scheme of thing it was not far away, less than five miles from my house at that time, nor was it that long ago, almost eleven years, HOWEVER, these days it feels as if that was light years and centuries away from where i am now. consequently, i forget what it felt like to finally discover for the first time, that were actually people who had the chance to understand what i was, a using addict reaching the point of desperation.
i need to remind myself of this, because as the days go by, i find myself withdrawing from the parade of newcomers more and more, and i find myself sharing about stuff that may be beyond the ken of an addict with a few days clean. i know that sharing is mostly for me, and the message i carry is that of my experience as an recovering addict, the strength i have found being a part of a fellowship, and the HOPE that is inherent in this new manner of living. to selfishly share my travails and tribulations, without wrapping it up in the gift of recovery is pretty dang nonspiritual. and yet, as i look back across my recent shares, of which there are not many these days, i find that the message i may be carrying is get a few days clean, and then we can talk. well that is up until last night, and when i was in service up in Montana, and perhaps as i look at things in a more discerning light, i am not really that selfish at all. i tell myself that i need not share, because i want to isolate myself, i use the stick of sharing selfishly to keep myself from sharing, furthering the withdrawal process, and providing myself with the evidence i need to show myself how bad i really am. with enough of that evidence, pretty soon, i will find myself out in the world, back in active addiction, trying to figure out where i went wrong.
quite a nasty little knot of feelings, denial, rationalizations and outcomes! so where do i go from here? well for one, continue with my commitment to work a twelfth step by sharing more frequently. return to the suggestion of offering the newcomer what i have, a spiritual manner of living my life in active recovery. and most of all be present. not only can i do that, i believe i will try to the best of my ability, after all, the newcomer is the most important person in the rooms BECAUSE i can only KEEP what i have, by GIVING it away. and i want to keep what was so freely given to me.

∞ DT ∞