Blog entry for:

experiences and feelings as my peers, is certainly an accurate statement, although at times, i do not **feel** that way. this morning, however, i am not going to be writing a lament about how **different** i may feel, or how my experiences do not exactly **match** those my my peers. after being clean for a **minute** or so, how i see the world, my recovery and living an active program of recovery, is going to be different than my first holiday season clean. one of the benefits of staying clean and doing my best to **practice** these principles in all my affairs, what was once overwhelming and seemingly beyond my comprehension, is not longer that way. it is not that i am different than my peers, it just means things have shifted and how i once saw myself and my place in the world, has been replaced by a new manner of understanding of what is going on in my life.
some of my peers share that there is no “advanced” recovery, and i “get” what they are trying to say. i do not disagree with them, BUT, in my experience, staying clean changes how i live my life and how i live my program of recovery. sure, this is all about staying clean, just for today, day after day. if that was all i felt though, i would have walked away from the fellowship a very long time ago. i feel that the message i carry to the groups i am a part of, is that staying clean, while being it's own reward, is just scratching the surface of what i need to remain an active part of my recovery. staying clean is not the hard part. for me, finding a reason to “stick” is the trap, after all, i have heard it all, seen it all and that experience can quickly disqualify me from having any DESIRE to keep coming back. there are times when i wished that i had a deeper sense of “serving” my fellowship, by being present for the group and that i was less self-centered and entitled. this morning what i am “feeling” is a lack of purpose in that direction, after all, what can someone, such as myself, who has a bunch of “just for todays” have to offer my peers who are struggling with finding their place in the fellowship?
which kind of, sort of , brings me back to what i have been feeling over the past few weeks, the sadness at seeing the consequences of my peers, who have or had lost HOPE. my presence in any group, after some time clean, is an embodiment of the HOPE that there is life after the DESIRE TO USE has been lifted and that one can actually recover, not just “stay clean.” even though i cannot open the hearts of those who may feel hopeless, i can keep coming back and when all else fails, reach out to them at seemingly random times and mess up their using. all in all, i see a purpose for showing up at meetings and even though i may not be struggling with staying clean, i still have to deal with lacking the desire to be a partner in the lives of those around me, because i am to obsessed with what or what i am not getting, form life in general.

∞ DT ∞