Blog entry for:

if i were to be totally honest, i am just not feeling the holiday spirit this year. keeping my mouth closed as i work through what i am feeling, is probably the best means for me to carry this message over the next few days. what i suspect is happening, is that i am not living up to my expectations and when that is the case, i end up in a funk that appears to have no real cause. this is when i need the group, more than ever, to remind me that i am not alone and that what i am going through, regardless of the root cause, will pass, IF i keep living a program of active recovery. La-DEE-DAH!
when it comes down to it, what my reality is and what i want my reality to be, do not match. this is not something new or even differ, but right here and right now it is bugging the living crap out of me. i have at least one mess to clean up from yesterday. i am not looking forward to the next thirty-six hours at all. if i am true to form, i will do my best to spread my misery, rather than allowing what others feel to infect me with a bit of gratitude and joy. i have enough knowledge of who and what i am, that as i sat this morning, i felt that it was me that would need to tread carefully through the landmines of family and season's greetings or i would be cleaning up all sorts of much larger messes than i have now. with that in mind, i think i will go pound a bit of pavement before i start working.
back again and very certain what is going on with me. amazing what pounding the concrete does for my head. part of the reason for my funk yesterday and this morning, is that i am feeling less than. i am going to lose the gift-giving competition because i was such an idiot over the summer and put myself into a financial bind. it is a reaction to me not believing the lie, that i need to settle for second best and dropping myself into an arms race to give more than everyone else. great work when i can get it. i see now, that i am going to lose that race, and that there really is not a race at all. i am not inadequate or less than, just crazy! i do not know if it is the endorphins or the realization, but the cloud i woke up under has been lifted. it may not be all unicorns and rainbows in my life, but at least it is not tornadoes and tsunamis. i can live somewhere between those extremes and be okay moving forward into my day.

∞ DT ∞