Blog entry for:

i wanted, even though that **something** was not what i once thought it was. when i got to the rooms, what i wanted was money and popularity and that was evident in the members who were already here. they were relaxed with each other and did all sorts of things socially. i wanted to be a part of that, so i did my best to leave the cave i had hibernated within, over the course of my active addiction and join their world. they demanded something of me, that i was unwilling to give, way back when, specifically: trust and intimacy.
blogus interruptus once more
as i was writing this littler piece this morning, i reached out to a peer who could become a friend by txt and expected a quick reply by txt back. what i got was a conversation and at the time i was annoyed that i had to put this task aside and spend some time with him on the phone. after my workout, i came to realize that there may be a bit more of a design to my days than i want to accept. my plan was to complete this, get a work-out in and chill for a bit of time. what happened was i got some space to consider what was happening in my life, before committing this to the the bits and bytes of the interwebs. as i pounded out the miles it came to me, that the assignment given to me by my sponse was going to take on a much deeper meaning than i imagined and that too, was something i needed to allow to happen. a new door has been opened in my recovery and it will certainly help me to get past being stuck on the FOURTH STEP.
when i was using, i was pretty good at ducking blame for the crap i pulled, the people i hurt and the cost i extracted from society. when things got tough and there was no one and nothing left to foist that blame on, i had my evil twin brother Raoul. that “alter ego” did not have a name, even though i used him for quite some time and when i made a joke and finally named him, there was a sense of relief, as now i had something concrete to carry my sins. it was not like i went full on Sybil with him, but he certainly was a “person” within, that i allowed to take control of me, when i needed to do something that violated the few moral standards i had left. in the end, even in recovery, he was there to carry that weight and i had mostly forgot about him, except in passing and when making a joke. now that i am looking at who i am and reconciling my past with the person i am becoming, i see that he was my protector, the whole of my active addiction. when i concluded that i no longer needed to have addiction to be an outside influence on me, he went into the dustbin of my history. he was and is part of my identity and the time to rehabilitate him, is long since past. i am not sure where my assignment will take me, but i do have a new ally in my journey to becoming whole and genuine, for perhaps the first time, since i picked up that very first time. i am willing to go through that door and see what that journey brings to my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞