Blog entry for:

they have got something i want. they also have a whole lot of what i do not want, but that rant is for another day. today as i sat an listened with my heart, i feel that i need not not run through the litany of sins, evils and just plain idiocy i see from time to time. no instead i feel the need to sort of shine a bit of light on my rainbows and daises side and allow myself to see the better aspects of the groups i attend, instead of the less than satisfactory side that i can so easily lock on to and obsess about.
i know for me, the last thing i wanted, way back when, was to become part of any group. bopping between fellowships quite neatly kept my involvement with any very small, and the service i did do, chairing one meeting and making coffee for another, was the bare minimum and i only grudgingly accepted those commitments to keep my sponse off my back about fVcking service to the group.
once gain, looking good, instead of getting better, my main mode of self-obsession. i had actually decided that the groups in either fellowship has very little to offer me, and did my absolute best to be apart from the group, while having the appearance of being fully engaged. for that first thirteen months, that worked. i even got twelve steps done, in order to keep up the front that i was recovering, when all i was really doing is complying with the court order, not to use any mind or mood altering substances.
then of course, that October night in Greeley Colorado, when everything shifted and i saw how i was fVcking myself over. that was the turning point in my life, and even though it took nearly six more months before i did anything constructive about becoming a part of the group, in my heart, something had changed and for the first time ever i felt that staying clean,m just for today, was part of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i finally got, that IF i wanted to stay clean, and in ACTIVE recovery, than i needed to start wholly participating in the group and giving away the little bit i had just got.
it took a bit to figure out what i had, and even a bit more to figure out how to give it away. today, i am still trying to figure that out, but i have so much more to give, and from time to time, it really is a bumper sticker or slogan that best fits what it is i am trying to say. i know today where i belong and what i am and because of that i GET to participate in the holiday season as an equal to my family members, acquaintances and peers. i get to give away physical tokens of my love and respect, but more importantly i get to keep what i have gained spiritually because i can be a part of the group. with that in mind, the time has come to ease on, ease on down the road and go to the ghost town that is my workplace today. it is after all part of living a program, just for today.

∞ DT ∞