Blog entry for:

the sense of belonging and hope i heard when those who were already here, shared their experience, strength and hope. honestly i am in sort of a weird mood this morning. not quite sure what it is going on, but it feels chaotic and more than a bit unsettling. it could just be the season, it could be all the change that is running rampant around me, or it could just be not know who or what will be here tomorrow.
TJ, congrats on two years clean, awesome my friend.
so when i get feeling this way, i just need to step back and assess where i am and where i think i am going. i am grateful that i am clean today and a member of the no matter what club. no matter what, i am not going to use today PERIOD! having feelings is just part of the deal, when i do not use, i feel and when i get feeling all weird and uncertain, i have to go back to the basics that were given to me, back in the time before i was ready to accept that i was an addict. yes, when i came here, i was not done or at least that is what i believed. recovery, for me, was going to be a very unpleasant eighteen month vacation from the life i thought was so fVcking wonderful. well more than a few of those eighteen month periods have come and gone, and i am still here, still doing the gig and still having days when i wonder all sorts of nonsense. stuff like whether or not the work and ion vestment i have put into my recovery is worth it. stuff like, if so and so, can keep coming back, maybe i can use and come back as well, a brief vacation from the recovery life. that is a dangerous thought, as my experience seems to be, that i am either using or i am not. there is no in between state and there is very little hope, that i can just use a little bit, just once and start my clean time over again tomorrow. all of this, as i am pounding this out, is a reaction to the feelings i am having. after reading a rambling post on FaceBook from someone who purports to be clean and after not hearing from someone i care about deeply about what is going on in their life, i am overwhelmed by how powerless i am, over my addiction and most importantly over the addiction that afflicts those whom i love and care for today. feeling suck, they always have, and they always will, or at least that is where i am this morning. they are just part of the package, that come from the promise of freedom from addiction.
WAH fVcking WAH, i can stay pitiful and full of crap or i can move on and i do believe i will move on. yes that was something that those members taught me, once i was ready to take the plunge, feelings are only temporary, when i let and allow them to run their course, they change,. i am one that takes sadness and dwells there. i am on that turns a moment of anxiety into dread for the future. i am one the one that takes guilt and transforms it into shame. i am the one that take anger and polishes it into a resentment. yes, i am the one who takes the range of human emotions and warps them into a destructive force that will make using look like a good idea. of course, realizing that, i am start to lift out of whatever it is that is going on inside of me this morning. i am starting to the HOPE that staying clean today, no matter what, offers to this addict.
that HOPE? that i can survive a feeling or two. i can do the next right thing and admit that yes i am an addict and i am powerless, but there is a source of POWER that is infinite and attainable. that source is available to me, right here and right now all i have to do is ask for the POWER to stay clean today and accept that POWER into my life.
as i allow the darkness i feel to pass, i can see that there is hope for me today, i can do the next right thing, which is a bit of work, preparing for the holiday upon us and just being okay with the fact that i do FEEL and accept that as a gift and not a curse. after all, if a bit of spin can get a dirt bag elected, it certainly can keep me clean as well.

∞ DT ∞