Blog entry for:

i identify with other addicts, so i trust their message of hope. i would not have stayed without that sense of belonging and hope. so before i even started the reading, in my own handwriting at the bottom of the page was a reminder of a clean date of a friend who has long departed from my life, and coincidentally also happened to be my previous sponsor. no he is not dead, but there are times i wonder…
…so Mike S, if you are still clean and kicking around, congratulations on the 16th anniversary of your clean date.
the emotion that my nearly illegible jot stirred was not happiness and joy, but a quick flash of anger, a dip into a resentment that was still simmering, then a quick release of all of that into a feeling of overwhelming sadness and regret. i have crossed this day at least a few times, and have yet to ever have such an outpouring of emotion. i can wonder at why i stored this up for so long, i can rail at myself for being a tool and not letting this go before, or i can accept that i was not ready to feel these feelings until this morning.
what has changed? well for one, i have moved into my 10th Step, with its set of formal writing. but mostly, it has to be me that has changed, and that change is something that has created a person that is not recognizable from the same man even a few years ago, when last a did a formal 10th step. and by now, i bet you are wondering what does any of this have to do with the topic at hand? sharing my experience, as an attraction to the program that has provided the opportunity to even be considering such weighty topics as feelings and such. well for one, sharing the experience of this morning can demonstrate that even after some time clean, unresolved feelings are lurking under the surface, ready to pounce without any notice. HOWEVER, my first thought was not to run and fix these feelings away, as it once was. no i sat quietly and allowed them to take me where they needed to take me, and when the intensity faded, i proceeded to get on with my life, clean.
if i was one to look for signs, i would say that i got a GOD shot this morning, one that indicates that i am truly moving through the process of forgiving myself for the damage i have done, and making the changes in behavior and attitude that need to be made, to follow up on my amends to myself. i am right where i am supposed to be, commencing a new and different look at STEP 10. so it is off to run across the frozen wastes of mu neighborhood and see how many calories i can burn off.
before i go, i just want to say, that this morning i am grateful for what has been given to me, even the messy unpleasant and ambivalent feelings when they come. all of that is part of the package and today i can accept that package without conditions, at least i can right now, check back in fifteen meinutes and that too may be subject to change ;)

∞ DT ∞