Some memes

if i choose to neglect my recovery and am caused pain by my choices -- or cause pain to others, is not a path i choose today. in fact one of the things i tell all the men i sponsor is that i am not going to use if they do not work their steps and boy do they hate that. the question is not that i am ignoring my recovery, it often comes down to am i working at the step part actively enough. that is where responsibility for my recovery becomes the baseball bat with which to beat myself up. that. of course is the whole issue i am exploring in this set of steps, setting standards and expectations for myself that i cannot achieve then blaming myself for not being “good enough.” the pause i took in my FOURTH STEP writing was necessary for my emotional state to catch up with my spiritual state. i have a daily practice that allows me to maintain my recovery, step work, however, pushes me further up the path towards the person i have the ability to become.
this morning the seed i used was responsibility equals freedom. dang it all, i had written about that very topic two years ago. what is different today, is how i see my responsibility for my recovery and the choices i make and the consequences that follow. if i choose to act out, and trust me i still do, i have to pay the price. last night my team mate pissed me off, as he sat and played on his phone while i finished cleaning. yes it is my job. yes i do my job well and pay attention to the details. what pissed me off is that i share my tips with him and he does nothing to earn them, even though more than once he has said “we are a team.” the good news? i did not say a word nor treat him any differently and in my Tenth Step i saw that i was placing an expectation on him that previous evidence has suggested he is unable or unwilling to fulfill. was i entitled to my anger? perhaps. did i really need to spend my bandwidth on it? not at all, but instead of pounding myself into the pavement, i chose to let it go and let myself fall asleep without Dick on my mind. i woke up this morning and he was still gone and in the void i heard that my reaction, whether of not it was appropriate, was just who i am. i did not follow it to the possible ending that i am never going to tip him again, but it opened up that possibility. what i came away with is the next right thing to do, keep tipping him and let go of the expectation he will actually help me out. there was a sense of peace in that moment, perhaps a bit of growth, but certainly a boundary for myself when my emotional reaction seems like the next right thing to do in this case.
today, as i have a day off with a single responsibility, get my annual vaccinations, i am centered in the here and now. my pan for this day are not all that well-formed and i am comfortable with that for a change. i am finding that my hobby is turning into a job and am not thrilled about that. perhaps over the next two days i can come to see that i choose to work and that i once found it fun. i need to find that joy again and two days out of the grind, may be just enough to do so. oh yeah, if i were going to use the blame-thrower for my little petulant fit last night, i could say it is the hours that are wearing on me and i was just tired. true but i do not need excuses, rationalizations or jollifications for what i feel, just for today!

∞ DT ∞