Some memes

to meetings for me, calls my sponsor, or works Steps for me, AND no one else is to blame for the consequences of my decisions. when i was getting clean, that last part about blame was not anywhere close to my belief structure. in fact, it was the farthest thing from my mind. i got the first part and accepted that was the shit i had to do to stay clean and get a little bit of recovery, but …
this morning, as i sat and listened to the void, what came bubbling up was the notion that it is far more than just my recovery for which i need to take responsibility. what that means, is that when i sit down and look at my day, before i lay my head on my pillow, i take a look at the decisions i did or did not make and evaluate whether or not those decisions helped me along my journey of recovery. it is not the conscious decisions that are usually troublesome, although they may be, it is those i chose not to make which seem to cause me the most consternation. as heinous as it may sound, my default behavior of allowing circumstances to dictate outcomes, still can reign supreme. time in recovery, does not equal recovery and when i stumble back into ancient and familiar patterns, i need to take a moment and find some balance, without excoriating myself. that is always a slippery slope as the i should have known better, what was i thinking or how could i have missed that, flies through my mind, certainly upsetting any balance i am seeking.
the other notion that came bubbling up was two questions that used to plague me and still plague many of my peers:

• Why am i an addict?
• How did my addiction get started?

these days, i see those as far from relevant, as i need not take any responsibility for my addiction. when i learned to let go of those “burning issues,” my life simplified and the path ahead became a little less complicated and twisted. it was one of the best decisions i ever made and that fork in the road, did make it easier for me to accept the responsibility i wanted to discard.
these past six days, have certainly been revealing to me and i see that where i cam from, is quite a distance from where i am today. i am amazed at how down the rabbit hole i can go and as i start my journey back to the real world, i can take a cue or two about what is driving me. perfectionism and fantasy 🤪 🤪.
it is time to get busy with my other obsession and see if i can pull off two wins this week in fantasy football. it amazes me that my crappy draft is doing better than my good one and something needs to change. i have the tools and the ability to do the research, so it is time to see if i can make it happen. and yes, it is a good day to take responsibility for my life and my recovery.

∞ DT ∞