Blog entry for:

all too quickly, if i keep them to myself. the problem i have is not in sharing the joy and the good things that happen in my life, is how to share them without sounding like i am bragging.
when i was using, and even in recovery, one of the ways and means i used to boost my self-esteem, was to brag about any of the good things that were happening and to exuberantly share my joy., especially when i saw others suffering. it was my way of feeling better than my peers. of course,m when i did my second SIXTH and SEVENTH STEPS and this was pointed out to me, my reaction was to NEVER share the good things that were happening and the joy i found in life. if what i was doing was wrong, and it was, than just not doing it, had to be the next right thing. yes, as always i missed the point, and swung to the extreme, rather than seeking balance. as a result, i became a “gloomy gus,” and the cynic within, got full play.
as balance is what this set of steps is all about, learning to temper the cynic with trust, love and acceptance of my fellow members and peers, has been my mission of late. what message i carry is as important as how i carry it. my life is not a total sh!t show today, although from the manner in which i share, one would be hard-pressed to figure that out, from time to time. i do not walk around worrying about relapse behind every corner and “no matter what,” weighs very lightly on my mind. i live in the real world and every day has a mixture of joy and burden and all of their manifestations, in between. my job, as i continue to integrate STEP 12 into my daily life, is to share all of that, without overplaying the great bits and diminishing those that are not so great. my job is to give testimony to the notion of HOPE, that this way of life not only works, but works very well for me, and there is more to recovery than just not using.
as i begin to experience greater awareness of what it is that i am sharing with others, it becomes apparent that the cynic and the dark side are still part of the stuff i share, that is just who i am. for every dark moment though, i seem to be adding a daisy, rainbow or unicorn, as that is who i am becoming. i am not sure if one nasty bite and one tasty bite really balance out, but it certainly feels as if i am no longer sharing just the good parts and building them up to be used as a tool to pound down on my acquaintances and peers. it is a good day to be clean, no actually a GREAT one, and if that sounds like bragging, well then, you may need to be speaking to someone who has more wisdom than i purport to have. seriously though, i am grateful for the gift of recovery today, and if i can get the Postal Service to figure out where my mail is going, this day can be even better.

∞ DT ∞