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world under control, by any means possible, is a zero-sum game that i am always on the losing side of, so why not, just stop and allow the world to spin as it will? so my little battle with a closed minded half-wit did not go well. no matter what arguments the more rational members of the group used, they were fixated on being right, even though they were so freaking WRONG. i remember those days myself, when i was all worried about this line or that in the literature and the various meeting formats, and how tone deaf i was to various “alternative facts,” such as context, dictionary definitions or simply that maybe, just maybe i was reading far too much into what was being said, instead of allowing the words to reach me emotionally. as i stay clean. my first clue to my intransigence was that even when presented the context i would conveniently ignore what was given to me and shout my original misconceptions even louder. i am not sure why i thought that sort of behavior would change minds, but it certainly was a symptom of bias, prejudice and being close-minded. in the end, i surrendered and moved on yesterday, as i was quite certain that getting into a flame war was not the way to ever get another person to see how wrong they really were. had i been on the other side, i would certainly be seeking evidence of how right i was, as for me, it would have them become a matter of being RIGHT, no matter what.i am quite fond of not using the term “old behaviors” as if they were truly old, they would be a fading memory rather than a part of my life. no, i prefer the term “familiar behaviors” as it more accurately describes them. i do believe language is important and how i describe myself and the world around me, is certainly reflective of my spiritual and emotional state. when i CHOOSE to try and argue with someone who is not listening, i am reverting to a very old AND FAMILIAR behavior of trying to control my world by being the loudest voice around. i know that shouting down the opposition does work, at least in the short run, but it makes it so much more difficult to go back and admit that i had made a mistake. my self-confidence to not arise from a need to be RIGHT and to be in control any more. even when i thought i was “in control,” i had a perception problem, as i only saw what i wanted to see, heard what i wanted to hear and closed my mind to any sort of contrary ideas no matter sane and rational they actually were. i could not as the bon mot goes, see the forest for the trees .today? well today i see my little surrender yesterday as a victory over my self-will run riot. acknowledging that i was about to turn a discussion into something less than pleasant for all parties involved and deleting the comment thread i started was a TENTH STEP in action. i took what i was feeling, anger and rage, and saw that i took a question as a personal affront. i felt defensive and was ready to go on the offensive, after all, in my mind i saw someone who needed a bit of tutoring about what they were so wrong about. the real news here is that it was me, who needed a bit of tutoring about allowing others to seek answers to ideas and notions that they may have never encountered in the past. in the age of memes and headline feeds, i forget that context may mean more than just the sentences surrounding a certain phrase, as everything, these days, seems to be compressed into its most minimal forms, stripping away any real meaning. i can let go of what i think is right and be okay with allowing others to find their way to the solution that is correct, all by themselves. it is not iup to me, to be some sort of intellectual or spiritual lighthouse, at least not anymore, just for today.

∞ DT ∞