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able to apply the simple principles that comprise this program of recovery? an interesting question without a doubt, and one i ponder every evening before i lay my head on the pillow. it is a good thing i have a 10TH step that allows me the FREEDOM to sleep most nights. one of the biggest stumbling blocks for me has been the notion of trusting that the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, will be enough. even after coming to believe all sorts of different versions of that concept, blindly moving around the elephant as it were, there has always been more than a bit of doubt, when it comes to trusting the care of a HIGHER POWER. oh i have said the words, and at times, seemed to project that i not only trusted, but had SAITH that i would be cared for, that was however, not quite the truth. all of those statements needed to have the caveat, “most of the time,” or “for the most part,” to be truthful.
ass i grow more secure in my program and more importantly in myself, i can express, all that i have hidden and fVck those who tell me it is my ego, spilling out all over the place. there was once a period of time, when i thought the program was all about sublimating who i was and pounding any freedom to think, into dust. i took ownership of groups and meetings and believed my way of the highway was the only way to be a part of the fellowship. that was not ego, that was my mistaken attempt to live outside of being powerless. that application of power was to boost my self-esteem and self-worth and the “projects” i took on, i saw as a direct reflection of the “quality” of my recovery. i love the excuses i hear from my peers as to why they alter what was set down by group conscience, and their words were once mine and come down to exerting power, where i really have none.
it is not the slightest bit strange that a reading about trusting a HIGHER POWER's care, turns into a treatise on how i can think or once thought i had some power. the conversation the other night, launched me in a different direction about who i am, who they are and why i may be resisting what i know is good for me. once again, it comes down to the application of power. i have the power to write my steps or not and as long as i CHOOSE not to use that power, i can maintain an illusion of control in my life. it is of course, all an illusion and just as my peers will one day uncover for themselves, the longer i live in this illusion, the less connected i feel with the very source of my recovery, the fellowship, the rooms and the POWER that fuels my recovery.
so it is off to my daily travails and into the real world to see where i can be a bit more open to what is and stop trying to promote what is not.

∞ DT ∞