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than i can handle, but exactly how do i know how much is enough? life as an addict in recovery is often a balancing act, especially when it comes to DESIRE. the whole notion of getting something for nothing, still appeals to me, on so many levels. the reading does not address the issue of desire, but does address the notion that i ask GOD to give me gifts i do not earn. there certainly were times in my life that i prayed for material blessings and favorable outcomes, those days have long passed. i realize that many of my peers happen to believe in the power of prayer and when i was in that particular group, i saw prayer as a means to the end of getting what i desired, rather than what i needed. today i see who misguided i was and as i implement my recently embraced spiritual path, i see how wrong it really was, and can agree with the reading without any issue. at least up to the point of getting something for nothing.
the honest truth is i still have desires and i still like getting rewarded for doing nothing. does that make me some sort of heinous, self-centered monster? i would say: no, it only makes me human, maybe more human than i want to admit, but just another human being. DESIRE, in my opinion, especially DESIRE of material goods, is the root of all evil in my world-view and where do i draw the line on how i acquire that which i desire. for me, stealing it, is out of the question, as homie no longer plays that game. manipulating someone to “give me” what i will not take, remains in my bag of tricks these days. so that leaves only a few paths to attaining my desires: working for it, dumb luck or asking for it from GOD. i do not trust luck, i believe that most of my luck comes from paying attention to the world around me and exercising the opportunities that are presented to me in my every day life. so when i get lazy, and i often do, my choices get whittled down to praying for something, even though it is hypocritical of me to do so. there i am stuck on the tightrope of desire and balancing working to make something come into my life or praying for it.
as i get “better” i am ashamed that i fall back into the same fox-hole mentality that i exercised way back when. in fact i feel shame in doing so, and why i feel guilty boils down to the idea that GOD is a concept i can do without, until i need something, which is a very familiar behavior from those halcyon days of being a slave to getting high. the cognitive dissonance grows worse as i stay clean and become more comfortable with the spiritual path that has seemed to choose me and i can use those feelings of shame to grow into what that path offers and CHOOSE to behave in a different manner. work however, does not pay me for not showing up and if i want that comfortable living to continue, the time has come to wrap this up and head on daon south.
something for nothing? even though that would be great, i certainly will not ask GOD to deliver that up, just for today.

∞ DT ∞