Blog entry for:

to living in addiction and a life full of self-pity and blaming others, is what i seek today. for some reason, as i came to the place of starting this little exercise, i was reminded of one of the most vile recovery tourists that showed up at a meeting recently. although i take someone at their word about how much clean-time they have, for some reason i find myself doubting this particular addict. in fact, i do not even refer to them as my peer, and perhaps i never will.. my distaste for this person is a personal thing, and i need not drag them through the mud while exercising my right to free speech. i bring them up, because one of the ways they behave is something i am quite familiar with and that i am probably envious that i find it unacceptable to do myself. yes, i am still sick enough that i hate others for doing what i will not allow myself to do. as vile and toxic as this addict remains today, i have to give them the benefit of the doubt, because my perceptions are colored by their past behaviors, so it is quite possible that yes, even they are recovering. the behavior? blaming their entire set of less than stellar life circumstances on everyone but themselves and using the group as their drive-by puke station.
when i got clean, even the fact i HAD to come to the rooms, was the fault of someone else and i only stayed to comply with the very same authoritarian jerks that sent me here. compliance allowed me to live in the world of self-pity and awe and shock tactics when it came to sharing. since i was in another fellowship, i could easily rattle the cages of the old-timers over there and did so on a daily basis. in fact, my goal was to be as abrasive and disrespectful as possible, so they would kick me out, and then i could return to my masters and blame them for the evils they did upon my person. they did not, however, kick me out and i finally found a place i could call home, where what i used was unimportant and i did not have to lie about being powerless over the use of this substance or that. when i finally arrived at that jumping off spot, i still blamed everyone else for my predicament and was still one of those vile and toxic attendees, who used sharing as a weapon against anyone getting too close to me, because even way back then, i knew recovery could be contagious.
as i come the last station in this train of thought, i am struck by how strongly react to those behaviors were part of my daily repertoire and wonder how those who were present back in the day, saw that same bag of tricks. today, i need not show up at a meeting to “punish and vanquish” my peers, as i have grown a tad since that was part of my mantle of invincibility. today, i can be honest and even when i have a feeling of disgust or two, stop myself from acting out. that other addict? well i certainly hope they find what they are looking for, as they certainly entitled to life free from addiction, just for today. my less than spiritual side, hopes they find it somewhere else, but barring that, that i will be as welcoming and warm as i can, instead of shoving my fist down their throat. yeah the conflict continues and i can defer to my spiritual side today. just for today.

∞ DT ∞