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a mental image of what addicts were supposed to look like and i did not look like that at all. that stereotype, which included grabbing my dinner from a dumpster behind a restaurant and sleeping under a bridge, was part of the wall of denial i had built. that structure allowed me to continue to live in the fantasy that using drugs was my right as an adult, even though my foray into the justice system had made my life unmanageable. ah those halcyon days of living in my waking dream, that even the most ardent defenders of the faith in this fellowship could not disrupt. yes, i was a tough sell on this recovery gig and as i got to share last night, i still have not “committed” to being clean the rest of my life. i am committed to stay clean, just for today and for me, that means no nicotine in any form as well.
i bring that up, because i quit using nicotine delivery systems because i wanted to save $1200 on my health insurance in the upcoming year. my insurer informed us that they would be monitoring us for compliance and i wanted to “pass” their test. i found out yesterday, that their test would be January14, which is over a month away. all of a sudden, i now have a larger window to clear the nicotine from my body and i immediately considered stopping for a cigar on my way to the meeting last night. after all, i would still be compliant with their dictates and i could enjoy one of my favorite activities. there certainly is still a huge part of me that wants to do something that i can get away with, and having a cigar, has now moved into that category. there is risk and there is a pay-off there, even if there is a consequence that would not make me happy. today, well today, i am not going to go there. the freedom i have achieved from my dependence on nicotine, is fragile and scheming my way through to finding a path, to return to that slavery, feels more than a little wrong to me. today, i am okay being an ex-smoker and as i get out and tour the neighborhood here in a few minutes, i will feel the results even more. my resting pulse continues to drop and my wind and stamina keep increasing, so,perhaps even after i “pass” that test, i may decide to remain as i am today.
so how do i see myself these days? well as an addict for sure. when i share i have no issue identifying as an addict and i have no issue with letting others know that i am addict, even though i guard my anonymity with great zeal. i understand the stigma being an addict carries in “polite”l society and now that i can “pass” for being one of them, i want to keep it that way. i do now that without a program and the help of my peers in recovery, i would certainly revert to my “true” and soon might actually meet all those images of what i once thought ALL addicts looked like. appearances, as trivial as they may be, still are important to me and just for today, i think i will be okay with who i am and how i look, an addict living an active program of recovery

∞ DT ∞