Blog entry for:

that my sponsor does for me for granted, is a behavior that i exercise quite frequently. when reading such as this pop-up in my annual cycle, my first instinct is ti rush to the phone and make that call. i probably will send a text off to Carlos this morning, just to salve my guilty conscience, but that does very little to get me out of the habit of “assuming” that my sponse will always be there for me, no matter what and no matter how i treat him. this could turn into an exercise of self-flagellation on the altar of fellowship political correctness, but i have made my admission, and it is time to move on.
thinking about what i do and do not do for the men who call me their sponsor, is where my thoughts turned as i sat this morning. there have been many men and one woman across the course of my recovery journey, that have called me their sponsor. many of them decided to move on, for one reason or another and all of those reasons were quite valid. i have only “fired” one sponsee in my sponsorship career and suggested to another one that i was no longer the “best possible sponsor in the world” for him. that latter was the hardest conversation i ever had, as i still believed i had more to give him, but distance was preventing our relationship from growing.
the former however, taught me some very valuable lessons in what it means to “carry the message and not the addict.” learning how not to invest more in the recovery of another addict than they were willing to invest themselves, was one of the most perilous journeys i ever undertook. that path showed me how my behavior was an appeal to an outside source for validation, respect and esteem. when i saw that i was people-pleasing and that it was one of the most insidious forms of people-pleasing, i was not a happy camper. in fact, i railed against that notion for quite some time and threw even ,more of my times, my money and my effort into that man's recovery, only to see him use once again. i took on his frequent relapses as evidence that i was lacking in something and his behavior i wielded like a sword to defend myself against the shame i felt in his inability to find recovery. “how can he do this to me” became my lament and i descended into a pit of self-doubt and self-pity.
my sponsor came to my rescue, even if he did not realize it, when he quite strongly reminder me that i am not only powerless over my own addiction, but i am powerless over someone else's addiction as well. that was the “a-ha” that change the course of my downward spiral and started me back on the path i am still on today. for that and the many other insights my sponsor has given over the course of the years, i am grateful and yes, a call is in order before i lay my head on my pillow tonight. one will see if i make that so.

∞ DT ∞