Blog entry for:

is not a class i took in any part of my recovery journey, although it feels as if i am expected to do just that with a few of the men that call me their sponsor. the sponsee i wrote about three hundred and sixty five days ago, ended up exactly where i thought he might. he did not follow any sort of path to living life as a semi-freed person and as a result, well he is now facing some serious consequences. that is not my stuff and when i told him that i needed to change the nature of our relationship, he seemed to take that in stride. since i cannot read his mind, i am not certain that he understands the whys and wherefores of my decision, that agin is not my stuff. my stuff is to accept that i gave him what i could and put far more into that relationship than he did. i may soften my stance as the days roll past, that is yet to be be seen, just for today i am comfortable being a trusted peer in recovery and need to let go of the baggage i have accumulated with him over the years.
this morning, what kept bubbling up to the surface was my own history with the men i have called my sponsor over the years. each of them gave me what they had and at times i certainly took them for granted. as a result, i am more than certain that they too, wondered what i was up to and how i was doing. these days, i may not call my sponsor every week, but i certainly send him a txt to let him know that i am still alive and kicking, more importantly, that he more than my garbage can into which i drop my most toxic bullshit. it is true, i still puke on him, every now and again. i understand that what he does, he does because that is who he is and my part in this relationship is to take what he gives, return my love and respect and make sure he knows that i value him as a person as well.
looking at my day and my state of mind this morning, i can see that expecting anything from anyone else is a fatal flaw and one that haunts me every single day. what it makes me resolve to do, is to accept what i am given and walk a path the leaves no trail of destruction in its wake. there will be trials and tribulations as i walk through this slice of twenty-four hours, starting with what i expect myself to accomplish over the course of the next eight hours as i do what i am paid to do. i also will need to find an alternative to posting this little exercise to social media, as my access to its api may go away tomorrow. all of that and much more is barreling down the pike at me, and i could run and hide in abject terror. i CHOOSE to face what may come and remember that life is not a competition and i do not need to restock the larder, every single day. i can survive on the recovery program and routine i have built. chances are, if i do my best to live that program, i mat even thrive, just for today. THANK YOU CARLOS, for all that you have given me. 🤩

∞ DT ∞