Blog entry for:

a special, supportive, one-on-one relationship with me.
quiet honestly this whole relationship gig, was a mystery to me, back in the day, and it really is not that much easier now, save for the fact that i have a bit of understanding about my part in them. it was the men who sponsored me, that taught me what relationships were all about. all of them taught me desirable and valuable behavioral lessons, and some, well some modeled undesirable behavior. i GOT to learn from all of those experiences, and today, after a bit of step work, some growth and certainly a new way of looking at things, i am removing the values judgements i cast upon them, bit by bit.
in fact, their actions, have made me a better person and certainly a better sponsor, i hope. there was a time, where i was certainly a possessive helicopter sponsor, hovering around and telling the men who i sponsored what they NEEDED TO DO! i got jealous, when they went to someone else for guidance and expected to to exactly what i did, after all if you want what i have to offer… and all. learning the very hard way, that if i want to be part of a relationship, i NEED to practice equality, fraternity and freedom, if i want the relationship to grow. the same way i treat the men i sponsor today, is how my sponsor treats me as well. yes the two of us are partners in my spiritual path and growth, but he certainly has something i want, and even better is willing to give it to me, without strings attached. and just like me, he does not seem to have been taught how to be psychic and dismantle my ticking atomic bombs, by proxy. nope, i have to reach out, ask for his time and guidance and do the next right thing, which just may be, sitting on my hands, staying clean just for today and allowing myself to do absolutely nothing, during which i feel like dying, but he seems to know what he is doing, as i have yet to die from a feeling.
so will i give my sponse a call today? perhaps, just to say hi, how are you doing and i am doing quite well, at least today. my ELEVENTH STEP issues are fading to black, my job issues are seeming to be resolved and i have taken the plunge and now have health insurance again, to cover the gap between now and the time i get benefits.
all in all, not a whole lot to say to the man who sponsors me, but that does not necessarily mean that i do not need to call him. i will see what happens as i go through my day, and looking at it from this end, i certainly can make the time.

∞ DT ∞