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learning how and when to reach out has been one of the most difficult task i have faced in recovery. yes it sounds so easy, and not at all that hard, and of course i realize that i am the one that makes it difficult. there is always a part of me that believe that my sponsor is way to busy for me to call with the petty little annoyances that i seem to hold on to during the course of day-to-day living. and after all, i am not in such dire straits that i am about to use, so i feel it is better for me to try and work this all out before calling and whining.
so i am back in the old self-sufficiency lie once again, or even worse trapped in the circular reasoning about what i am really worth to myself and to the world around me. my sponsor does have a life, and yes he also has to deal with the little bumps and grinds that living brings, BUT he has always had time for me, and often chuckles softly when i tell him what is up. i tend to forget that he probably has experienced the exact turmoil and chaos that i may be feeling at any moment, and may be able to provide the means for me to see my way out of my current dilemma.
so it goes, life goes on, i make living hard, my sponsor can provide the means for me to see my way out of whatever happens to be bugging me, and i hesitate to call and talk to him. the real question i have today, is this pattern one that is capable of being changed, and do i possess the willingness to allow it to be changed? pondering that semi-rhetorical question, the answer i arrive at is yes to both parts. i can and will change this pattern by allowing myself to be dependent on the program and one of the greatest tools ever given to me -- the guidance of a member who has gone down this path before me , my sponsor!

∞ DT ∞