Blog entry for:

relationship with someone i could trust, was not my first consideration when choosing a sponsor, way back when. although i still have the best sponsor in the world, if i need to choose a new one, for whatever reason, looking for someone i can build that relationship with, will be a primary concern. the ways and means i came to my current sponsor is a story i have told more than convince and need not be repeated today. ironically, all three of the men that i asked to sponsor me, were not the result of any deliberative process, but more like random chance and the culmination of events beyond my control. i speak as if the next time i have to choose to ask someone to sponsor me, i will use my head and consider before i jump, but based on my history, it will more than likely be something that just happens.
the men i sponsor? and yes, there is no sexism in that statement as i firmly believe that gender plays a huge role in sponsorship. in my opinion, a woman may live a strong program of recovery and have her act together, but the one thing she lacks is the experience of being male, just as i lack the experience of being female. say what you will, but i believe there is a gender-based difference in how one reacts and responds to the world, and if i were to once again sponsor a female, i would be afraid she was not getting the best sponsor in the world for her. what others may or may not do, is up to them and if one of my sponsees came to me with this question, i would provide this answer, ”give her what you can but i would suggest she seek out a woman to sponsor her.”
i have more than a handful of me who call me their sponsor and dozens who i have sponsored in the past, who decided for one reason or another that they needed something else. it saddens me that some of those i sponsor, seem to be stuck and unwilling to do what it takes to move on. i can hardly criticize as i am being worked over by a FOURTH STEP that i am not writing on. my fallback justification is that this is my fifth time through the steps, so all of the “biggies” have been dealt with, in the previous step journeys. the fact of the matter is that apparently they have not been, as i am suffering from “Mommy” issues these days. as i scrape the scab off of this sore and commence the bleeding again, i see that what i judge as “wrong” in her, are the same attributes i judge as wrong in me, that look at myself is painful, hurtful and one i have avoided for quite some time. what i take away for that pain, is that i have delayed long enough as now i have something substantive to write about. 😥 on that happy note, i think i will put this one to bed and get out into this frigid morning and get some steps in.

∞ DT ∞