Blog entry for:

i went wrong, when everything when my life starts to fall apart, is an exercise in futility for me. when i pause, consider and examine how i have behaving, it is my self-will running unchecked through my world and not my recovery. when i do my best to **live** my recovery, including keeping in touch with my sponsor, stuff happens, but very rarely is my life going down in flames.
today my world is not on fire, but i have an “issue” or two i need to go over and i am embarrassed and yes even ashamed that i have not been very good about keeping in touch with my sponsor. now that i need to run some things by him, i am hesitant to ask. the “ask” is in, so i will see what happens. there is a whole lot of shaking going on and i really do not think this is some sort of tectonic shift in my life. what i “feel” is that the outside chaos is starting to get to me and even worse, i am beginning to believe that i deserve it. no not the external chaos, but rather my reaction as i internalize “their” stuff. my DESIRE to run away into a fog of less than stellar behaviors is getting stronger and my DESIRE to be okay and allow the world to spin as it will and allow myself to respond is diminishing. sixty minutes on the indoor track today will not be a bad thing.
where do i go from here? well this morning it is off to Boulder for a my home group and a bit of step work with a newish sponsee. i can take care of myself, after all i am a grown-ass man and have some steps and days behind me. what i am feeling about my relationship with my sponse is not the part of me that DESIRES recovery in charge. it is that drift into the chaos of self-will and self-sponsorship that is driving my shame. i know what the end result will be and maybe this time when i buy the sack and return to that room far away, i will not abstain and that is an outcome that i do not desire to bring about, just four today.

∞ DT ∞