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that does not make mistakes? i am going down the path of heresy here, so if that seems to be disturbing, my advice is to click away.
one of the notions that soured me on the whole religion gig, from the time when i started to think for myself, was not that GOD was somehow infallible, but rather that EVERYTHING in my life was a **gift** FROM GOD, for which i needed to fall down in abject gratitude. i have heard these two concepts used by some of my peers, to justify the most outrageous nonsense and bad behaviors. i could document that and spend my whole day doing so, but this is about me and my notions and not them
getting back on track here, the natural state of human beings is to feel emotions as a reaction to the events in the world around them. this is inherent in who we are and hardly a gift from GOD, as many animals have a full range of feelings and emotions as well, and many Western religions clearly state they are without souls, so do not qualify for gifts from GOD. the fact that i got clean and stayed clean, is the sole reason i am capable of feeling a full range of emotions today. if i were to stretch a bit, i would give the POWER that fuels my recovery, credit for giving me the opportunities to acquire all that i need to stay clean today, for my continued recovery. in that sense, that POWER certainly has my total and complete gratitude. as i continue to digest my THIRD STEP, i am coming to terms with what i believe and what i find more than a bit disturbing, about the notions that are receding into my past. the ability to feel a full range of emotions is part of my restoration to sanity and my FAITH n the recovery program that has brought me this far, is that as i move from having to delineate what is and is not GOD's will for me, intellectually anyhow, i will feel that will intuitively. where does that leave this addict? well it certainly move me out of the center of the pack in this respect. that separation is moire than a bit frightening and i would not recommend it for the faint of heart. that FEAR kept me locked in a box for far too long and coming to a place where i could start to think for myself, instead of blindly follow the pack, has deepened my FAITH in the program that provides my recovery path. mysterious ways, no coincidences, omnipotence and infallibility are no longer required for me to be okay with living a program of recovery. things just are and just for today i am content acknowledging that fact.
after the meeting last night, i had plenty of time to consider the events and what was and was not shared. in my heart i know i judge others more than a bit harshly and want to say that i could see the train wreck coming. i truly find that bit of me, to be to my utter disliking, as i really do want to think the best of all my peers. where i had to go with the garbage i brought home with me, was directly to the spiritual incinerator. once i dumped the “i told you so” and looked at the fact that i am far more forgiving and supportive of those whom i like, i saw a path to a restoration of my sanity. the POWER that fuels my recovery may not be speaking to me, but internally i am reaching a point where i can see what i think i know about my peers, may just be what takes me out, as i spin that stuff to my advantage. the fact is, i am no spiritual giant, do not have an inside track with GOD and have yet to receive the enlightenment of the ages. what i do have is today and an understanding that for me, the gift of being capable to survive a full range of emotions, is something i need to be grateful for, no matter what the source of that gift may be.

∞ DT ∞