Blog entry for:

the ability to feel my emotions, something i never thought of as a gift, is one of the greatest gifts of recovery i have received. although, in early recovery, it felt more like a curse or a cross to bear.
so i know i have shared that getting rid of my feelings was one of the reasons i used. i also know i have shared that i have never dies from any feeling, yet. it is quite likely i have also written about changing the value judgments i place on the feelings i do have. so since i have already worked over this topic, i guess i could just stop now, call it day and move into the so-called real world.
OR
i can share about what i heard this morning when i took the few brief minutes i was able to shut-down and actually listen. so as i sit here, trying to force my will on the perverse inanimate objects that computers can be from time to time, what i feel is a sense of gratitude for having the ability to feel. i may have shared about that before also, but what it is, is what you get, no excuses or apologies. in fact, that is something else i am grateful for these days, the ability to allow myself to feel what i am feeling without having to delve into some sort of deep analysis of why i am feeling, how i got there and where i need to do with that particular feeling.
when i was struggling to stay clean, no matter what, it seemed so important to identify causes and conditions, in fact all the crap that i was fed by my counselors in the treatment programs i went through seemed to stress this very fact. knowing why was more important that just being, they spoke of triggers, being aware of what was causing such an such feeling and on and on. now that i have some clean time, i am clueless as to what the purpose of that particular focus was, and have left that far behind. for me, i am grateful that i can feel, and when the feelings are not especially pleasant, as feelings are wont to do, i am grateful that they will pass, if i allow them to do so. i also understand, that my feelings are more than likely a reaction to something in my environment and are beyond my control. i can own them, feel them and decide how i want to behave as a result of them. but feelings are feelings and nothing more. so the gratitude i feel is partly because i feel what i am supposed to feel, with no shame or remorse over having a feeling or two, that on the surface may appear inappropriate for the situation that i find myself with at any given time. so what am i feeling today, other than a feeling of gratitude for being able to feel? well, i sense of being ready to return to my work-out program after a week off. a sense of urgency to clean the projects that have been languishing on my desk. most of, a feeling of security and certainty that i am walking the path, that i most desire to be walking upon, at this time. so with that i do think i will hop in the shower and allow myself to feel what the next right thing may be. it is a good day, to allow myself to feel what i need to feel.

∞ DT ∞