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**BAD** feelings? of course there is a list of such feelings that follow that label: anger, sadness, fear, and loneliness, which only reinforces the notion, at least in my head that feelings NEED to be labeled and put into buckets. i actively resist the notion that feelings are good or bad, and when a reading comes around that speaks specifically about good and bad feelings, i just want to scream and run out of the room with my hair on fire. simply put, for me “good” feelings are those i find desirable and all others are “bad!” when i get into that black and white world, that is dictated by desire, i am certainly in for quite a ride, as in reality, there are very few binary realities, either-or juts doe not exists, for the most part, and is a construct of my humanness to try and control the uncontrollable by defining the undefinable. the balance i try and find in my life, does deal with defining binary forces, where one is defined by the other. beauty and ugly MUST both exist, as one is necessary to define the other. in the same sens i am either clean — not using mind and mood altering substances, or not. feelings however, at least as i see it, defy this commonsense approach and as i grow in recovery, i am getting better at not judging the relative value — read “good” or “bad” — of the feelings i feel throughout my day.
as is the case in most of what i do, what i mostly dread, is how some of my peers at the meeting this evening will dwell on the goodness or badness of certain feelings, and i will of course shut down and retreat into my sullen silence waiting for them to complete sharing whatever it is they are try to share. i will miss what they said, because of my prejudice and bias towards the way others see their feelings. knowing this may happen does not take any sort of foreknowledge of the future and is based solidly on the evidence of the past and my reactions to date. sure i may actually be able to get past the nasty bit about how this or that feeling is “good” or “bad,” and hear what i NEED to hear, but i FEEL that will probably not occur, no matter how resolved i am to put principles before personalities. maybe i should just avoid the meeting all together and sit home and stream my latest series, then i need not berate myself about being so much less than the spiritual giant i want others to see me as! it is what it is, and i am what i am, and chance are, that i will decide to go to the meeting this evening,in my ”damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead” mode.
moving past my initial reaction, what i heard this morning, was that i really do not what is or is not a gift. something i may see as a curse, such as addiction, may turn out to be a blessing, as it led me to this way of living. DESIRE, colors my judgements in all things, especially in the way i look at my peers, at myself and my feelings. when i say something is good, what i am really saying is: that is something i DESIRE. when i say that one of my peers does not know how to share , what i am really saying is what they are sharing is UNDESIRABLE to me. when i get rid of the value judgements and into my emotional reactions, i see my path forward. DESIRE will never be rooted from me, but perhaps, as i grow spiritually i will learn to live in less in the world of DESIRE and WANT, just for today.

∞ DT ∞