Blog entry for:

i DESIRE to run from, run the gamut from **bad** feelings to step work or responsibility for my own recovery. there is still a huge part of me that has the DESIRE to play the **after all, i am only an addict** card. growing up, i was taught the further and faster i could make my escape stage left, the better off i would be. those are lessons i learned very well, and are at the heart of my current FOURTH STEP, that i have been malingering on, for over a year. as long as i can find something or someone to blame things on, especially other people as i throw out a “see how you made me feel and do,” card, i am all good. what needed to be repaired when i got here, was my internal judge and how i chose to discern things. one might say that i suffered from severe “sample bias,” in that if three or more of my friends or acquaintances believed something, it must be true.
learning to separate “value” judgements from my emotions has been a hard won battle for this addict, and that war is still ongoing, with no end in sight. where the HOPE lies in all of this, is that i am winning more and more of the battles and stepping up to accept whatever feelings come down the pike today, as i can be grateful for a full range of human emotions these days. on dealing with the feelings that arise from the responsibilities i have taken on in life? well, not so much. that is also fodder for my FOURTH STEP and the resentments that swirl around that issue, come and go.
today, i feel okay and i know okay is not an emotion. there are no biggies looming in my life and in a bit i get to hang with a friend and enjoy a cigar. i have plans to do some step writing and get my taxes ready to file, as well, but a nap or some game time may interfere with those plans, as i attempt to practice a bit of the “exit stage left” behavior. maybe, just maybe i can face all that i need to do and manage to eke out a bit of down-time as well. it is after all only midday and there are plenty of minutes left in this day, to get some stuff done.

∞ DT ∞