Blog entry for:

is not part of my understanding, as limited as it may be, of the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is ironic that sort of statement tripped me up this morning as i sat. the nice part is, i quickly dismissed this as chatter and moved along. i am not of the belief that my feelings are some sort of “divine” but are reactions to the events that occur to me and around me, as i walk through life. so putting all the pseudo-religious stuff behind, i “got to” feel, what i truly feel about my emotions, and that is gratitude that i can once again experience a full range of human emotions. whether or not that gift comes from the process of the Twelve Steps or the POWER that fuels my recovery, is not relevant to me, today.
when i was a few years clean, a “tourist” from another fellowship shared that they did not see addiction as being some sort of alien force or separate person, and that all that they felt emotionally, was exactly what they were supposed to feel. to tell you the truth, at that time i thought they were fVcking nuts! i had been taught all of my life that feelings were “good” or “bad” and that i needed to foster the good ones and suppress the bad ones. fast forward a few years and i finally understood their message. i did not need to treaty addiction as a separate entity and judging feelings as good or bad, based on cultural values that were ingrained in me throughout my life was not only wrong, but for me, deadly in extremis.
as i sat this morning, after dismissing my judgement, i was able to finally let go and revel in the ability to feel my emotions and no longer needing to judge whether or not they are good or bad, appropriate or inappropriate or untimely. for me, emotions just are and my job is just to feel them and let them wash over me. i have yet to die from, a feeling, but i nearly died from thew act of suppressing my feelings. it is true, that feelings are more often than not uncomfortable and my reaction in those times may be to reach into my bag of tricks and change them. it has been my experience that kicking them down the road is a losing proposition. eventually all of my feelings will come out in the wash, and later rather than sooner, hurts! just for today, i am okay feeling whatever i am going to feel and allowing myself to present for what comes the pike.

∞ DT ∞