โ the greatest gift โ
Posted: Sun, Feb 28, 2016 11:04:30 AM
as the reading suggests, the ability to experience a full range of human emotions might be considered to be the greatest gift i have received in my recovery journey. not all that long ago, i would have begged to differ, and i am certain that if you went back in time, and read my posts for the previous times i wrote on this, there would certainly be a wide variety of takes on this topic. that is neither here or there, what matters today, is HOW i feel about this “gift” today.
it is true, that in active addiction i was angry most of the time. underneath the surface was a pile of rage and resentments, and getting clean, released a whole lot of them very quickly. in those days, as i was starting to feel again, it seemed to be a curse, after all, one of the side-effects i enjoyed in active addiction, was freedom from feelings, any feelings, most of the time. when one came down the pike, i had the means at my disposal to quickly dispose of them, and i was satisfied with the result nine times out of ten.
as i stayed clean, became a member and started top allow myself to change, instead of battling change tooth and nail, i started to see, that maybe all feelings and emotions were not so bad, after all. i began to classify feelings as those i desired to feel and those that i did not, and got angry when those undesirable feelings popped up. the battle was not over, only shifted to a new battleground, get rid of “bad” by any meany means, save picking up again.
somewhere in my journey, i finally realized that this too, was a battle i could not win, IF i wanted to stay clean and continue the journey to becoming something i was not. once again i had to surrender my control of how i felt, and what i felt about what i felt and learn to trust that the POWER that fuels my recovery, without a doubt, had my back. coming to a place of FAITH, i figured out for me, that what was desirable i labeled as good and waht was undesirable i labeled as bad and those judgement were just a different manifestation of addiction. just another way to take me back to the chemical bliss that consumed most of my adult life. once i ceased fighting and stopped judging and categorizing, i finally started to tolerate my feelings. the more i let go, the greater my tolerance grew, until it became acceptance of the fact that as a human, and as an addict in active recovery, i would have a full range of feelings and i could thrive because of them. in fact, feelings were my passport back to the human race, and although they may seem inconvenient from time to time, i am a better person because of them.
just for today? well just for today, i am more than just okay knowing that i will feel and that those feelings are a human reaction to the world around me, and the events that transpire in my life. i can accept them with more than a bit of grace and be grateful that i can be reminede that yes, i am only human and that like my fellows humans, i feel.
it is true, that in active addiction i was angry most of the time. underneath the surface was a pile of rage and resentments, and getting clean, released a whole lot of them very quickly. in those days, as i was starting to feel again, it seemed to be a curse, after all, one of the side-effects i enjoyed in active addiction, was freedom from feelings, any feelings, most of the time. when one came down the pike, i had the means at my disposal to quickly dispose of them, and i was satisfied with the result nine times out of ten.
as i stayed clean, became a member and started top allow myself to change, instead of battling change tooth and nail, i started to see, that maybe all feelings and emotions were not so bad, after all. i began to classify feelings as those i desired to feel and those that i did not, and got angry when those undesirable feelings popped up. the battle was not over, only shifted to a new battleground, get rid of “bad” by any meany means, save picking up again.
somewhere in my journey, i finally realized that this too, was a battle i could not win, IF i wanted to stay clean and continue the journey to becoming something i was not. once again i had to surrender my control of how i felt, and what i felt about what i felt and learn to trust that the POWER that fuels my recovery, without a doubt, had my back. coming to a place of FAITH, i figured out for me, that what was desirable i labeled as good and waht was undesirable i labeled as bad and those judgement were just a different manifestation of addiction. just another way to take me back to the chemical bliss that consumed most of my adult life. once i ceased fighting and stopped judging and categorizing, i finally started to tolerate my feelings. the more i let go, the greater my tolerance grew, until it became acceptance of the fact that as a human, and as an addict in active recovery, i would have a full range of feelings and i could thrive because of them. in fact, feelings were my passport back to the human race, and although they may seem inconvenient from time to time, i am a better person because of them.
just for today? well just for today, i am more than just okay knowing that i will feel and that those feelings are a human reaction to the world around me, and the events that transpire in my life. i can accept them with more than a bit of grace and be grateful that i can be reminede that yes, i am only human and that like my fellows humans, i feel.
∞ DT ∞