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with this in mind, i come to realize that there are no bad feelings, only lessons to be learned.
the wonderful and exciting gift of feelings, how can i express my gratitude for such a gift?? well the honest truth for me anyhow is that all in all i still have yet to be grateful for feelings at all. i understand that feelings are part of the human condition, and that if i am feeling them, i am becoming human again. not that i was some sort of alien being occupying space on the planet when i was using, but i often felt as if i was one. so looking at feelings as a sign of recovery, and possibly that each feeling i have good, bad or indifferent is simply that "just a feeling", helps me realize that i, too am in a process of recovery. yes i would like to give all my so-called bad feelings away, but today i am not willing to not feel the so-called good feelings. i guess that this whole feeling gig is an all or none proposition and i guess for me to be satisfied i have to accept the all part of the package. and feeling are just lessons to be learned.
one of the lessons i have learned is that i will not die from a feeling. i have been ‘blessed’ during the course of my recovery with grief, depression, loneliness, anger and remorse. all of those feelings were ones that i wanted to medicate away, or change into something else. what i discovered is that if i choose to face my feelings with just a bit of courage that they do pass, and the next time i feel them the desire to change them is diminished. as the effect of my feelings, in this respect, is diminished i feel stronger in my recovery. and as i feel stronger in my recovery, the desire to use when i feel something is diminished -- quite a nice feedback loop.
i understand that my addiction runs on similar loops and probably just as tight, treatment pounded into my head that the cycle of use and remorse was part of my desire to use. i may not buy the whole cyclical nature of using, but i am certain that feedback loops do exist as part of my recovery and all i have to do is, NOT USE ANYTHING NO MATTER WHAT JUST FOR TODAY!
so what am i feeling today? a bit overwhelmed, a bit stressed and grateful that i have things to be overwhelmed and stressed by. after all, i would not have the material gifts that i have, nor would i have the means to provide the lifestyle i have, if i did not have responsibilities to fulfill for my clients. it really is as simple as all of that and life is good today. i will do what i need to do and see what happens, and what feelings happen as a result!

∞ DT ∞