Blog entry for:

one of the toughest things for me to accept in early recovery and yes even now is that feelings are neither good or bad they simply are! one of the major reasons i used for as long as i did was that i there were certain feelings i did not want to feel, remorse, depression, sadness and empathy. i was willing to trade away what i considered good feeling so i would not have to feel the bad ones. i used so i could remain on an even keel - no emotional highs or lows, and had numbed away all my feelings with the exception of anger by the time events in my life led me into recovery. so when i hear a newcomer sharing about the roller coaster and the extreme feelings they are feeling once they emerge from the cloud of their emotional coma, i understand. i repeat the platitudes that were chanted to me when i came into the rooms, even though i know they do little good in helping them to accept the fact that feelings are a gift. however i go a step further and explain how today i have become grateful for the gift of emotions.
the level of that ubiquitous gratitude varies from to day to day, but it is without a doubt something that makes my life tolerable. i am coming to believe that i do have the courage to feel emotions of all sorts, without finding the need to medicate them away and the HOPE i feel today is that someday, somehow i will just accept that emotions and feeling are part of the human condition and that as a human and a recovering addict i will not only tolerate them but actual welcome them into my life. as confusing as feelings are for this addict, i have yet to die from a feeling and they do have a purpose -- but that is a blog for another day. today i tolerate my feelings and am working on accepting them at face value without feeling the need to change or enhance any of the feelings i feel today.

∞ DT ∞