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the little seed i am using to grow this writing exercise from is so ironic for me this morning, that i am certain i have no idea where this will go. okay so the seed says nothing about feelings but speaks to my new found FAITH. the reading goes on to talk about having FAITH that i am feeling what i need to feel and to allow the feeling process just to happen. so there are certainly at least two roads in the wood of my conscious thought that appear to be diverging, perhaps as i walk down the one less traveled by me, they will rejoin in the end.
this whole walking in FAITH gig, is so brand spanking new to me, that the shine is still on it. yes i have thousands of days clean. yes i have worked the steps, all 12 of them, in order, to the best of my ability, 3 times before. yes i have done my level best to LIVE a program of recovery. yes even with all of that being true, the fact is that i have just come to find FAITH, with the process of moving between STEPS 2 and 3, in this particular step cycle. FAITH was a topic i could talk about, pay lip service to, and yes even appear to live. i had no idea what was in store for me, once i truly discovered FAITH. yet, here i am today, living in FAITH, that IF I DO WHAT IS IN FRONT OF ME, I WILL GET JUST WHAT I NEED. i had FAITH in the program of recovery, as i continued to stay clean, through the so-called ‘good’ times as well as the so-called ‘bad’ ones. i stayed clean no matter how i was feeling, or how intensely i was feeling that particular feeling. i stayed clean when the logical and rational choice seemed to be to get high. so living in FAITH that the program could keep me clean had become second nature, that had very little to do with the divine. i could speak of GOD, but what i was really speaking of was the program of recovery and the fellowship that gave me this new manner of living. i trusted that i could pray to whatever and listen for that response and i would stay clean, but i never really believed. a few years ago, as i was in the process of completing a step cycle all of this started to change. by learning to become present for my life, i started to sense something more. this something more, was not wrapped in a cloak of mystery and magnificence. this something more had always been there, and it was my shortcoming that i lacked the ability to sense it. i call this something more THE POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY, and this morning i have FAITH that i will get what i need today. what do i need? well if you asked me i would say a million dollars, happiness, my bills all paid, and the quarter century i gave away to my active addiction. what have i gotten so far? the desire to stay clean, the inspiration to write this and the time to go out and improve my physical fitness. the rest of what i will be getting, is yet to be determined, BUT if i keep my eyes open, in a spiritual as well as mundane sense, i will see the opportunity that is given to me and be able to take it. that i have FAITH in right here and right now. so as my friend Joe says, it is a good day to be clean, so i think i will celebrate it with a trot around the neighborhood.

∞ DT ∞