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are no longer terms i use when it comes to describing my feelings. i know that when i was growing up, when i was in active addiction and certainly when i was in early recovery, it was impossible for me to NOT judge whether a feeling i was having belonged in either of those buckets. after a minute or so clean, i came to realize that judging my feelings was a losing proposition, as i would be attempting to change the way i felt to get the reward of having a “good” feeling at the risk of swallowing a “bad one.” in my life, swallowing feelings always comes back to bite me in the ass, especially now that i am living a program of active recovery.
of course that does not mean that i do not get angry, sad or frustrated, i am, after all, only human. what that means for me today, is that when i have a moment to pause and let the feeling wash over me, i can choose to react or respond to that feeling. yes it sucks to get pissed off at someone and not put them in their place. it does, however feel good not to have to own that i did something wrong and have to apologize to the transgressor. when i respond, in a appropriate manner to an event, most of the time, i feel better, as opposed to how i feel when i react. the simple fact of life is, i have never, ever, died from a feeling, no matter how strong it might have been. i live a better life when i just allow myself to feel.
speaking of feelings, this morning i am not feeling a whole lot of anything. i slept right through my alarm and as a result i had to rush through my morning routine. i am quite sure i will live just fine and dandy not knowing all the latest news, as most of it does to affect the quality of my life. i “got” eat breakfast, sit and listen, shower off the sleep and still make the drive to the office to arrive at my normally scheduled time, as if anyone was actually clocking me. sure i felt frustrated and angry at myself, but i chose to respond and do the next right thing, leaving the final result, arriving at the office, up to the traffic gods. sitting here, i feel grateful that i did not allow myself to simmer in that anger and attempt to “make up” for that the twenty-five minutes i “lost.” owning that perhaps my body knew better than my mind and going with the flow, allowed me to arrive at work, cool calm and collected. best of all, i did not feel the need to give any of my fellow commuters the middle finger salute, although there were certainly a few who deserved to get one. i see that as a symptom of my spiritual condition, even if i was all fVcking emotional. it is a good day to realize that i can feel and to be grateful for that ability, just for today.

∞ DT ∞