Blog entry for:
Tue, Feb 28, 2023 08:13:35 AM
😈 good or bad, 😇
posted: Tue, Feb 28, 2023 08:13:35 AM
are no longer terms i use when it comes to describing my feelings. i know that when i was growing up, when i was in active addiction and certainly when i was in early recovery, it was impossible for me to NOT judge whether a feeling i was having belonged in either of those buckets. after a minute or so clean, i came to realize that judging my feelings was a losing proposition, as i would be attempting to change the way i felt to get the reward of having a “good” feeling at the risk of swallowing a “bad one.” in my life, swallowing feelings always comes back to bite me in the ass, especially now that i am living a program of active recovery.
of course that does not mean that i do not get angry, sad or frustrated, i am, after all, only human. what that means for me today, is that when i have a moment to pause and let the feeling wash over me, i can choose to react or respond to that feeling. yes it sucks to get pissed off at someone and not put them in their place. it does, however feel good not to have to own that i did something wrong and have to apologize to the transgressor. when i respond, in a appropriate manner to an event, most of the time, i feel better, as opposed to how i feel when i react. the simple fact of life is, i have never, ever, died from a feeling, no matter how strong it might have been. i live a better life when i just allow myself to feel.
speaking of feelings, this morning i am not feeling a whole lot of anything. i slept right through my alarm and as a result i had to rush through my morning routine. i am quite sure i will live just fine and dandy not knowing all the latest news, as most of it does to affect the quality of my life. i “got” eat breakfast, sit and listen, shower off the sleep and still make the drive to the office to arrive at my normally scheduled time, as if anyone was actually clocking me. sure i felt frustrated and angry at myself, but i chose to respond and do the next right thing, leaving the final result, arriving at the office, up to the traffic gods. sitting here, i feel grateful that i did not allow myself to simmer in that anger and attempt to “make up” for that the twenty-five minutes i “lost.” owning that perhaps my body knew better than my mind and going with the flow, allowed me to arrive at work, cool calm and collected. best of all, i did not feel the need to give any of my fellow commuters the middle finger salute, although there were certainly a few who deserved to get one. i see that as a symptom of my spiritual condition, even if i was all fVcking emotional. it is a good day to realize that i can feel and to be grateful for that ability, just for today.
of course that does not mean that i do not get angry, sad or frustrated, i am, after all, only human. what that means for me today, is that when i have a moment to pause and let the feeling wash over me, i can choose to react or respond to that feeling. yes it sucks to get pissed off at someone and not put them in their place. it does, however feel good not to have to own that i did something wrong and have to apologize to the transgressor. when i respond, in a appropriate manner to an event, most of the time, i feel better, as opposed to how i feel when i react. the simple fact of life is, i have never, ever, died from a feeling, no matter how strong it might have been. i live a better life when i just allow myself to feel.
speaking of feelings, this morning i am not feeling a whole lot of anything. i slept right through my alarm and as a result i had to rush through my morning routine. i am quite sure i will live just fine and dandy not knowing all the latest news, as most of it does to affect the quality of my life. i “got” eat breakfast, sit and listen, shower off the sleep and still make the drive to the office to arrive at my normally scheduled time, as if anyone was actually clocking me. sure i felt frustrated and angry at myself, but i chose to respond and do the next right thing, leaving the final result, arriving at the office, up to the traffic gods. sitting here, i feel grateful that i did not allow myself to simmer in that anger and attempt to “make up” for that the twenty-five minutes i “lost.” owning that perhaps my body knew better than my mind and going with the flow, allowed me to arrive at work, cool calm and collected. best of all, i did not feel the need to give any of my fellow commuters the middle finger salute, although there were certainly a few who deserved to get one. i see that as a symptom of my spiritual condition, even if i was all fVcking emotional. it is a good day to realize that i can feel and to be grateful for that ability, just for today.
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
FAITH, FEAR and FEELINGS 257 words ➥ Monday, February 28, 2005 by: donnotα no bad feelings? only lessons to be learned? Ω 393 words ➥ Tuesday, February 28, 2006 by: donnot
↔ the feelings i am given, good or bad are given to me for a reason. ↔ 520 words ➥ Wednesday, February 28, 2007 by: donnot
α one such gift is the renewed ability to feel the emotions i had deadened for so long with drugs. ω 505 words ➥ Thursday, February 28, 2008 by: donnot
μ but what about the **bad** feelings like anger, sadness, fear, and loneliness? μ 738 words ➥ Saturday, February 28, 2009 by: donnot
∏ i hear other addicts talking about the gifts the program has given them ∏ 607 words ➥ Sunday, February 28, 2010 by: donnot
¨ my newly found faith serves as a firm foundation for courage in the future ¨ 639 words ➥ Monday, February 28, 2011 by: donnot
∠ i welcome my emotions, firm in the belief that i have the courage ∠ 407 words ➥ Tuesday, February 28, 2012 by: donnot
¹ the feelings i am given, ¹ 723 words ➥ Thursday, February 28, 2013 by: donnot
♠ i will welcome my feelings, firm in the belief that ♠ 605 words ➥ Friday, February 28, 2014 by: donnot
◊ my FAITH and the care of the POWER ◊ 687 words ➥ Saturday, February 28, 2015 by: donnot
❂ the greatest gift ❂ 579 words ➥ Sunday, February 28, 2016 by: donnot
😝 uncovering the courage 😣 518 words ➥ Tuesday, February 28, 2017 by: donnot
🚌 but what about 🚍 655 words ➥ Wednesday, February 28, 2018 by: donnot
🙻 a **Higher Power** 🙻 727 words ➥ Thursday, February 28, 2019 by: donnot
🌧 what about 🌤 439 words ➥ Friday, February 28, 2020 by: donnot
🏃 the things 🏃 420 words ➥ Sunday, February 28, 2021 by: donnot
🌄 does not make mistakes 🌄 456 words ➥ Monday, February 28, 2022 by: donnot
😵 reliability matters 😵 520 words ➥ Wednesday, February 28, 2024 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 2
3) It is by avoiding such indulgence that such weariness does not
arise.