Blog entry for:

as i rise from the rabbit hole i went down this morning, i am running way behind the silly schedule i set for myself, this morning. it is not as if i have stuff left to do, it is just the stuff i do have left may need to have the location changed, due to my actions. oh well, so it goes. i am certainly not having my best morning it getting stuff done, but i am going to power forward and see what i can accomplish.
when i was using, i was what one might call more than a bit “flaky.” if i showed up, i was early so i could be “superior” to those who were punctual or a wee bit tardy. if i was running and gunning for something “twenty minutes” most of the time meant at least an hour. when asked to do something, i would hem and haw and if i agreed to do the task at hand, i would follow instructions to the letter, ignoring the spirit of what i was asked to do. the evidence of me being less that reliable, can go on and on and on and on, but to what point. my point is that reliability was not something that was expected of me.
when i came through the doors, even though the doors led to the rooms of another twelve step fellowship, i took a service position of making coffee for a noon meeting, to get me out of work and out of the house for two hours a day, as my movements were constrained by the courts. even though my motives were more than suspect, i still showed up five days a week and did a bit of service. as a result, i learned how to be reliable, even before i got clean or actually came to recovery. sure, it was all about looking good and hiding in plain sight, but doing that gig, started a process to create a reliable person.
today, after a minute clean, i see reliability as part of having integrity. if i say i will be somewhere or do something, i do exactly that, unless of course something outside of my control. prevents me from doing so. it also means that i show up for the stuff and events that i need to be a part of, such as my home group. i have been nursing a bit of a grudge against a few members of my home group who chose for one reason or another not to show up for the last month. the fact is, i do not know why and it does not matter, i show up and i participate in a consistent and reliable manner. what they do or do not do, may trip a feeling or three, but it is my choice whether or not i run with those feelings, or let them go. just for today, i choose to let them go and practice integrity by being reliable and dependable, no matter what.

∞ DT ∞