Blog entry for:

well to tell the truth, i did not blog over the weekend because i did not feel like i had anything to offer myself or anyone else. the part of me that expresses my disease has found an old tape to run, namely that i am full of crap and that what i have to offer no one wants or needs. i am not used to be so pummeled by myself, ands it sounded so convincing. part of what is going on is that i do not want to be an addict anymore and this reservation was revealed as part of my writing on step one. the meditation reading addressed what is really going though, i am afraid to feel hopeless and desperate, so instead of feeling i come up with hundreds of ways to rationalize away and avoid feeling what i need to feel. i am afraid i do not have the courage to face the feelings that i am having and WILL have as a result of my current step work and that is understandable and even rational, but all that is a boat load of shit. I JUST LACK THE FAITH to feel and let those who love me see me suffering.
and that is something that too will pass. i am not going to use today, i am not going buy a new toy, i am not going to run away and isolate, but i am going to find the FAITH i need to survive this day clean.
∞ DT ∞