Blog entry for:

that fuels my recovery, give me the courage i need to face whatever feelings may come up on a daily basis.
as many of you know, i have been struggling to fit the round peg of my current spiritual path, into the square hole of the norm of the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. my struggles are BECAUSE, no one, tells me what i need to believe or which spiritual path i need to follow, but that is just a bit of background. no the irony here, is that i GET that feelings just are. the need not be judged to be ‘good,’ ‘bad,’ ‘negative’ or even ‘positive,’ they simply ARE. attributing those feelings to an infallible HIGHER POWER, moves them into the realm of “mysterious ways,” and i view that as a cop-out, a dismissal of my responsibility and moving towards the dark side of ignorance. i have feelings because i am human and in a drug-induced state of emotional numbness. some of those feelings i like, because i was taught to like them by culture or i am hardwired by nature. some i do not like, but in the end, a feeling is just a feeling, period. for me the greatest gift is two-fold, the ability to feel emotions in the first place, and secondly the ability to feel them without attaching a value judgement on whatever it is i am feeling. that ability may come from the POWER that fuels my recovery, or it may come from the work i have done to arrive at this place in my recovery. the most likely answer is a combination of those two factors, and i am who i am becoming today. FAITH does provide courage, but as i do not see the POWER that fuels my recovery as any sort of creative, sentient intelligence, in human terms, the whole point of IT being or not being infallible, escapes me. i have FAITH that i am given what i need, right here and right now, and it really does not matter if that comes from the guiding hand of GOD, or the harmony and flow of the universe. my FAITH is such that no matter how good or how fVcked i feel, right here and right now, allowing myself to feel that feeling, instead of fighting to change it, is the next right thing to do.the anger i felt at paying to be disrespected and begged to be used, is no different than the joy i felt when someone told me what they were really feeling or seeing a friend celebrate his seventh anniversary of his clean date, last night. the only difference is how i deal with those disparate feelings. the rage, well i felt it, and when the i run out of my prepaid collect call misery, i will be moving on. the joy? well i will savor and allow to fill my often icy cold appearing heart.
i came to recovery, quite good at concealing how i felt, except when i was pissed off angry, which was most of the time. i pout on this hard, cold and sometimes icy front, as a reaction to all those years of using, and as a result, i get some distance from the parade of newcomers and the those stuck in the revolving door. the pain i feel, each and every time, someone makes another rotation out the door, has not diminished, i am only becoming inured to it. as this set of steps progresses, i am seeing that being aloof, while part of who i am, is not who i want to be and th3e gift that i am receiving from the POWER that fuels my recovery, is to take those changes in and allow them to become part of me.
anyhow, got some miles to go, so beds to make and deeds to be done. it is a great day to allow myselkf just to be okay with whatever feelings come down the pike.

∞ DT ∞