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good, bad, or indifferent,are given to me for a reason.
this was actually the reading that got me thinking about placing values judgements on what i feel. today, i see a feeling is nether good nor bad, they just are, and pass in time. my job is to live through them and often that means surviving my feelings. this reading speaks about FAITH and i can see how i once needed that sort of reassurance about dealing with my feelings, especially when all i was doing was surviving them, my feelings that is. i can say that i do have FAITH in the POWER that fuels my recovery, but to attribute what i feel and when i feel it to that POWER, seems more than a bit far-fetched to me. what i can say is that my FAITH is in getting whatever i need to survive my feelings, feel my feelings and move forward, clean and with the choice to not use today, no matter what. i know that i am treading down a very blasphemous path here, but the notion that i am given feelings by some sort of capricious Higher Power for some fVcking mysterious reasons, just does not fly with me anymore. in fact, it smacks of the opiate of the masses, the shell game that organized religion has been playing for thousands of years, stifling free thought and seeking to interfere with the personal expression of spirituality. i, who never had FAITH in organized religion, resist the attempt to shove it down my throat in ever so sneaky ways. the great part of the fellowship i have found my recovery in, is that they are much better about letting me find my own spiritual path, than other fellowships, and they do not try and sneak anything in, because that is the way we have always done it.
i have got way off topic, yes having the ability TO feel is a gift of recovery, that has been given to me BECAUSE there is a POWER stronger than my addiction operating in my life. the POWER that fuels my recovery, provides with the opportunity to be more than i was yesterday. that POWER does not give me feelings, feelings are my human reaction to the world and events around me. that POWER, however, gives me the ability to learn from my feelings, and grow as a result of facing yet another confusing package of what are often contradictory feelings. this is a bridge i have never quite been able to cross, but the further i go along this path i have chosen, the more i see how ludicrous the notion that feeling are a gift from GOD, really is. feelings are not divinely inspired, except in a very few people. feelings are of human origin and are truly something that I can own. i may be powerless over them. i cannot control them and remain in recovery, but i have the ability to thrive as a result of them, if i avail myself to the POWER that fuels my recovery, tom give me what i need. so what started as a mind dump about the evils of me casting judgements on whether a feeling was good or bad, turned into a diatribe against mindless sheep-like behavior, especially around the whole notion of GOD, HIGHER POWERS and the POWER that fuels my recovery. for me, the answer is simple, i am given everything i need to stay clean today. it is not like manna from heaven, very often, just laying everywhere for me to pick up, but is is just as available, if i am present in the here and now and paying attention to what is going on. the opportunity to recover, is all that i ask for on any given day and how that is manifest is still a pleasant little mystery to me. where i get what i need does not matter, what does is my FAITH in that i will be given what i need. however, i do not get paid, if i do not go to work, so it is off to the trenches to earn my daily bread, even though i “feel” like staying how and going back to bed.

∞ DT ∞