Some memes

being satisfied just being who i am, whatever that looks like in this moment. in this moment, i am not sure who that might be, as today is the day when i have to see my urologist and figure out what, if any, steps we need to take with my prostate cancer. i may not want to use, but a cigarette feels like a very good idea, right here and right now. i know this too shall pass and when i workout in a few minutes, i will be grateful that i did not do an early morning quick trip to the local vendor. as someone who once was a mostly secret smoker, it is always the first thing that pops into my head, when i want to change the way i feel. the irony here, is that i was a “secret” smoker because i wanted others to approve of me and smoking cigarettes was not part of the image i wanted to present to the world in general.
part of who i am, without any need for justification or rationalization, is a person who enjoys smoking cigars. as hard as it may be to grasp, i do not equate cigars with cigarettes, as i never intentionally inhale that smoke, at least not anymore, as that was something i left behind in active addiction. i also do not have to run out every hour and smoke a cigar, as the physical “need” to smoke is rarely upon me these days. it is nice to be able to run, without coughing out a lung.
coming back to the practice of being who i am and being satisfied with that, i can say without hesitation that this is certainly a work in progress. for me, i have to practice this, consciously, as i suppressed my ability to do so for decades on end and it is easier to slip back into being what i think others want me to be, rather than just being me. i was mostly wrong about what i thought others wanted me to be, but i was correct enough to get what i wanted. today, i have the desire to get what i need, without playing that chameleon game. i have to practice at being okay being myself and make the conscious choice to do just that. oh, i am much better at it, than i have ever been. i am however, far from it just coming naturally and i may have to accept i will never get there.
being who i am today, it is time for me to suit up and hit the streets. i like the fact that my clothes fit better and i can climb mountains better that i used to be able to do, at least since Kilimanjaro. i also like the fact that how i look is only important to me and i am coming to the place where i am starting not to care what others think, although, at the end of my workouts when i am walking, i often want to say, “yeah, i just ran four miles,” when i think someone is giving me the eye. one day, i may be better than that. 😉

∞ DT ∞