been my own most vigorous judges and harshest punishers, not others. i have always valued the opinions of others about me, more than i value my own. when i came into the rooms, what someone thought of me was always on the top of my mind, even if i acted as unimpressed by what others thought. the lie that i was too broken to be seen, that i created when i was a young lad and lived by until i had twenty-five years clean, was always taken as canon by me, so of course, i needed to be valued by others, as i could find no value in myself. even as i come out from the shadow of that lie made truth, i still find myself seeking the approval of others. it is much less present and much more insidious these days, as it whispers to me that i cannot be the person that i feel i am becoming, day by day.
it is ironic that as i find value in myself and see my assets and liabilities in the light of day, i tend to minimize my assets and maximize my liabilities. make a mistake? FUCK ME RUNNING! do something kind that no one sees? just doing the next right thing. the dichotomy that is my daily life, is one more way i live up to the revealed lie that lived by for so many years. i am open-minded and give others the benefit of the doubt, but when it comes to me, it just goes to show you, here is more evidence of how broken i actually am. the set of steps is all about undoing that set of behaviors and even if it does not destroy the judge, jury and executioner that resides in my head, it will start the process of silencing them, allowing me to be okay with who i am: an addict in recovery doing his best to be a better human being.
just for today, i am okay being who i am and if i stumble into a bit of self-deprecation, i will remember that it is not because i have failed or i am too broken to be seen, it is because i am human and am falling into a set of familiar behaviors.
