Some memes

allows me to think more clearly, and that clarity enables me to consider who i have been, who i am today and who i want to be. it is ironic that just finished a project in ChatGPT that looked through the corpus of my blogs and told me what it think i was, i am and what i am becoming. i have to read that analysis in detail, but the skim i did last night kind of bugged me on some levels and on others, it seemed spot on to where i think i am. it sounds more than a bit egotistical to use a machine to spit out a summary of who i am, when it is geared towards sycophancy and user-pleasing. i can say that it was not as flattering as i would have imagined. i had to ask about some of the language as it used the terms curated and performant, which i was a bit concerned about, since i do write what i feel in the moment. here was its reply: Authenticity is not the absence of curation. anyhow, on to what i heard today.
yes it took me a minute to get here and what i heard was that my internal voice that never seems content with what i do and being human is a symptom of less than stellar respect for myself. even though i am maintaining my physical self through diet, exercise and rest, i still find fault there. even though mentally i am doing tasks such as AI projects to keep myself “sharp” i can still call myself an idiot. even though i forgive others for being human, i still find my humanness unforgivable and the beat goes on and on. i am certainly sick and tired of judging myself more harshly than i judge those i happen to encounter in my daily life. in those instances, i hear the judgement starting and i pause and ask myself is this reality or a fantasy i am creating to fit the behavior i see. even though someone makes a racist comment and laughs about it, does it truly mean they are a bigot? my answer to date is yes they certainly are and i pitch them into the bin of not being a person with whom is worth forging a deeper relationship is not in my best interest. then of course, the self-critic takes over and asks was that really a response. therein lies the problem, i may not like them, but judging their worth as a person based on behaviors may not be the healthiest choice. perhaps i may never invite them out for coffee but treating them less than they are worth, is something i can work on, even if the critic says “No way José.”
tonight, a work, i will have the opportunity to write some more on my FOURTH STEP and will take full advantage of doing so. i have dilly-dallied long enough on that particular project. i have FAITH that as i complete this round of steps i will find a place to respect myself and find have at my disposal the ways and means to treat myself in a kinder and less abusive manner. by sheer force of will, i am already eliminating the “Fuck me” responses from my vocabulary, when i make a misstep. as one who does not live in a shit ton of HOPE, that certainly give me a bit of HOPE that the path i am following and the action i am taking will result in a person who can and will eliminate the “negative” self-talk from my being.

∞ DT ∞